Bex Prime

the stuff that dreams are made of

2008-03-28T12:34:00.000-07:00

... indeed. i am back from the land of swiss and more in love than when i left. cute dad and i have been together for almost 9 months, vacationed to san fran, germany and now switzerland. we travel so well together it's almost like we've known each other forever.

the trip was wonderful. i would've stayed another month if i could. if you ever have the chance to visit interlaken, plan a week. the town is so cute, small and friendly. it was a gem. truly. the alps were the most amazing things i've ever seen. it really makes one feel so very small in this world. zurich was a fun place too although the time we spent there was shorter and since the weather was so icky, i didn't get to explore as much as i would've liked. maybe next time. =)

matilda and i are moving into a larger place. it's very important to me that she have her own room and she is finally going to have it. we're literally moving into the building next to the one we're currently in so it should be a stress-free move. SHOULD BE. we shall see.

not much else going on... just loving my life for the first time in a long time. it's been a while since i've shared things with someone special. and our relationship has been a slow, gradual one. meaning we have both moved slowly and cautiously, me because of matilda and him because of past fears he's had to overcome. but now, we are almost inseperable. and i must admit, i love being a part of a couple - with my cute dad, that is. he's supportive of me... he encourages me... he compliments me... makes me laugh...makes me smile...makes me feel important and most of all, he makes me feel appreciated and loved. neither of us take the other for granted, and neither of us still believe we are with one another. it's like a story honestly. and i can't wait to find out how it ends. =)

honey i'm home...

2008-03-11T12:56:00.001-07:00

it's been AGES since i have poked my head around this place. it's quite dusty. and rather dark and gloomy... not good.

well i am here for a VERY quick update on my life - which couldn't be better! remember cute dad? well, we've been together for 8 months. and i am head over heels for him. we've gone on a few trips together, san francisco, germany and will be leaving for switzerland tomorrow.

even i can't believe this. but life is good. matilda is in kindergarten and just as bossy and sassy as a 6 year old can be. but it's all good. we are upgrading to a 2 bedroom place next month and in general - life is grand.

soo... i promise to update better and more regularly. but i am a procrastinator so you have to cut me some slack.

ciao!

what a difference a day makes

2007-06-08T06:14:00.000-07:00

... okay so make that a year. today i celebrate 35 years on this earth and with that, i thought i would reflect on the many things that have made up the last year of my life. and sprinkle in some of the things i hope to discover this year.

this time last year i was freshly divorced and actually wondered if my ex would say 'happy birthday' to me... yes, i was THAT dillusional. he didn't in case you were wondering. =) i wasn't sure if i would be able to survive on my own, was VERY afraid of raising matilda by myself and wondered if i would go insane in the process. but over the last several months i have discovered, or UNcovered many things about myself that were always there, i just didn't realize it.

i CAN take care of myself AND matilda and have a pretty good time in the process. she has 'graduated' from pre-school and shows no signs of needing a therapist anytime soon. (not yet anyway.) we have had our ups and downs but the ups are so wonderful and the downs are so minimal that we don't even focus on those. i've learned alot from her and i've learned a great deal about myself as a mother. i have come to accept the fact that my sweet little girl doesn't like ANYTHING girly. is NOTHING like me, doesn't look too much like me, but yet, has her moments when i think to myself, 'you are DEFINENTLY MY child.' she is clumsy just like me, she has gestures when she talks much like me and her hair, as unruly as it is, is much like mine as well. she might not be girly like me, but she is still my sweet little girl.

this past year i've gone thru alot of changes. one of the most difficult was the loss of my 'mum'. i refuse to call her my grandmother because i never called her that. she was and always will be 'mum'. it was a time that we all knew would come but hoped it would be later rather than sooner. but i do now know she is in a MUCH happier place and she is a beautiful now as she was when she met my 'pap'. they are together once again and i know they are both complete. it was hard to say goodbye and let go, but her memory lives with me everyday. i think of her each day either when i wake up or when i go to sleep. more often i do or say things during the day that mum always did or said. 'bunches' was a word she used all the time. 'love you bunches'. i have adopted that saying. and no one could hold onto a napkin or tissue longer than mum. well, i have always done this and never really knew why until one day in the hospital. she was holding onto a rather tattered tissue. so even though she is no longer with us, she will always be with me.

i overcame some fears that had been deepset for MANY MANY years... one of which was the fear of flying. back in may, i had the pleasure of going to fabulous las vegas with some work friends. the trip was something i was looking forward to and something that made me extremely nervous. a) i was flying alone. b) i had an entire day to myself IN las vegas. c) i wasn't sure if i'd ever actually FIND my friends (they can be rather flakey). and d) well it was las vegas - that alone makes me nervously excited. i battled the flight with a bit of anxiety - it was quite bumpy, befriended a flight attendant who was very charming and made my nervousness disappear as best he could. i also endured a rather lengthy one-sided conversation with a passenger who LOVED to talk about himself. reminded me of my ex. i indulged him at first and then got bored with him and focused on my book. a girl can only take so much, you know.

the trip was fantastic. i took a tour to the grand canyon alone. i boarded a tour bus with a bunch of strangers and enjoyed the solitude and newness of the situation at hand. i was nervous merely because i was alone and not sure of what to expect, but as soon as the bus left, i had come into my own. armed with my ipod and book, i escaped for a while and found myself gazing out the window. it was the most peaceful trip i had ever taken. upon arrival to the canyon, i was speechless. the grand canyon is truly one of the most beautiful places one can see. when i got off the bus, i found a nice rock and claimed. i turned on my ipod and just sat there for 10 minutes or so... and took it all in. the colors were the most beautiful shades i've ever seen. i actually cried at one point because i was so overwhelmed with many different emotions. truly a sight to see for everyone.

the main reason i chose this particular tour was to experience the famous skywalk. for a mere 25 bucks you can walk this creation and test your fears... for real. so i did it. i was scared to death but it was something i just HAD to do. and i'm so glad i did. for me it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. i might make it back again, but i might not and i wanted to experience all i could. i walked on the glass walkway and peered down into the raveen (spelling not so certain) and wondered how far down it actually went. it was truly something. i stayed out there for about 10 minutes... not so long at the very middle of the walkway, but long enough to see out into the canyon. if you ever get the chance to visit the grand canyon west, i highly recommend a visit on the skywalk. you won't soon forget it.

yes, 34 brought me alot of experiences and 35 is already proving to do much of the same. in july i will take my first EVER cruise. i'll be going with some very good friends and we shall cruise to cozumel, mexico. am i nervous? sure. never been on a big boat before. am i excited? you bet! i can't wait to get on a big boat. i'm hopeful this will be the first of many cruises i will take in my lifetime. i will let you know.

you've heard me talk about 'cute dad' at matilda's school? well, contact has been made official. we visited at our children's pre-school graduation and started a friendship (or something anyway)... we emailed each other back and forth and on day two, he invited me to lunch. it was very nice and there were no weird gaps in conversation. he was interested in me as much as i was in him. we talked about different things, travel, children, family... normal stuff. when it was over he said it wasn't long enough. he left for europe 2 days later (for work) and said he'd call when he returned. we shall see. he did call me from the airplane the day he left - that was quite impressive i thought - considering they don't like you to use cell phones on planes. i'll let you know how it goes.

all in all, 35 has started out to be great. i have wonderful friends who support me when i need it and who aren't afraid to slap me into shape when i need that too. so much about me has changed from the clothes i wear, the food i eat and the music i listen to. i have become much more open to new things than ever before and i embrace as many opportunities to grow as i can.

so, happy birthday to me. you've come a long way baby.

just another day

2007-04-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

so this weekend was pretty much ultra relaxed. matilda had spent wednesday and thursday night with HIM so i wanted a nice relaxing weekend... on a side note... matilda called me BOTH days as soon as she was in HIM's car on the ride home from school. it was refreshing for me because it actually made me feel important to her. i know that sounds silly, but that's me.

saturday we, me, matilda and my parentals, drove to a super great place to eat... if you have one near you, i HIGHLY suggest you take a taste. may i recommend the 'caprese'... after that we drove to a very nice and refreshing nursery. matilda befriended a couple dogs who lounged under big potted trees and old country porches. then she saw the kitty... and it was PAINFUL to pull her away from the sweet, sweet kitty.

the day was nice and relaxing. except for the driving. i've discovered that there aren't that many nice drivers left in the world. not to say that I'M the nicest driver, but i do believe in karma and will let the occasional last minute turning vehcile over into my lane to save them some grief. but i didn't find maybe people extending the same amount of courtesy to me.

case in point... the road to this nursery was just off a major highway here that is under construction. has BEEN under construction since 1985 and shows NO signs of completing anytime soon... so the feeder roads are all discombobulated as such. i'm travelling along and realize 'OMG - my lane is turn only..' so i signal that i need to get into the right lane and hope that a NICE driver will slow down and let me over... that isn't the case. i keep driving with my signal on as i approach the turn in the road and edge my way over in front of an explorer.. who might i add.. had slowed down a bit, then SPED up to PREVENT me from moving in front of her... as i merged over - she honks her horn at me and I wave 'hi!' from the front seat... as she passes me up a bit down the road.. she literally glared at me and i waved a very energetic 'HELLO TO YOU TOO!!!' i didn't show her the finger cause what good does that do really.. i waved. call me stupid but i figured she hates me anyway, i might as well add to it. it'll give her a funny story to tell her friends. 'do you know what this moronic girl had the nerve to do! WAVE at me !!' karma will get her. my father suggested i follow her and give her a lesson in courtesy. but i decided that she might be crazy and i, too would be crazy to actually DO that. although my uncle has.. but i digress.

all in all... be nice drivers people. it takes more effort and anger to prevent people from getting where they need to be so just make someone's day and let in a car or two. you never know when that person in the wrong lane will be you.

...and i am telling you

2007-04-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

yes, i AM telling you.. well not YOU you, but a particular guy in our office. i'll paint the history for you so it all makes sense...

this co-director person was hired and he's not exactly fitting in well with ANYONE in this department, let alone his team. he's pushy, negative, and worst of all, doesn't have much respect for women. meaning, he has a man validate anything he's heard from a woman. which really pisses me off, but whatever. i don't work for him.. just WITH him - which is bad enough.

so after he started, he made his rounds taking out various people to lunch. members of his team, other random folks he thought would benefit him and what not. now, these weren't GROUP lunches, they were one on one lunches. he had asked me once and i brushed it off by saying that it wasn't necessary but thank you. apparently that only bought me another couple weeks...

he asked again, 'you need to decide on a day when i can take you to lunch.' i said, 'really, it's not necessary thank you.' and he said, 'i know is not necessary, just pick a day that works.' i said, 'i'll get back to you.' not my best response but again, it bought me another couple weeks. so when i got my promotion he emailed me congratulations and said, 'we need to celebrate with lunch.' i chose not to respond. then two weeks ago.. he brought it up again. i said again, thank you but not necessary. his response this time was, 'i'm giving you the option to pick the day if you don't, i'll pick it.' i laughed and said, 'good luck with that.' and that was the end of it... until yesterday.

we had to meet to prepare for a meeting tomorrow and during that meeting, i disagreed with things he told me, all about how he wanted me to send things to certain people who had no business getting the information... blah blah blah - typical work stuff, but i made it clear i didn't agree with it... at the end of the meeting here's how it went down:

dude: 'so you never selected a day for me to take you to lunch so i'm going to do it.'
me: 'you know, about lunch, i'm just going to say thank you, but no thank you. my lunch is my personal time away from work with friends or to run errands. i don't even go to lunch with my boss so please don't be offended. so i'm going to say thank you, but no thank you. is that okay?'
(side note: as soon as i said, 'is that okay?' i wanted to shoot myself, but it was too late.)

dude:' no, it's not okay.'
me: 'well it's going to have to be. are we thru here?'
dude: 'yes. i think so.'
me: 'okay.'

after hearing his 'no, it's not okay.' i was sooo glad i said it. so, i confided in another manager here who is sort of a mentor for me, who advised i create a log about all these incidents just in case it gets worse. apparently this guy is under close watch due to lack of performance and he's on a short leash with the big boss.

i was pretty proud of myself for standing up and not letting this moron bully me. i've said yes when i meant no far too many times in my life and i'm not doing it anymore. 11 years was enough.

... and i am telling you... i am NOT going!' the rest of this song does NOT apply but that bit certainly does!

girl power! rock on! NEVER say 'yes' if you really mean 'no!' the only one who suffers is you.

it's a hard lesson to learn, but a good one.

i like the way you move

2007-04-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

okay okay okay... yes, it's been FAR too long since we've last talked, but here i am...

sadly, there is nothing new to report.

although i have gotten pretty good at zero-ing in on hot guy at the gym. it's like my eyes are lo-jack and i can find him anywhere, anytime. not that he's looking at me of course. i've decided he IS one of those guys who know they're good looking. he probably thinks he's out of everyone's league... maybe he is... doubtful, but who knows. so for now, i just admire his hotness and the way he moves when he's pumping iron. i no longer use the machines near him... no point. i don't want to watch espn unless a team i like is playing.. i'd rather watch something else.. there's lots of eye candy. but i am there to work out and burn calories.. of course it never hurts to have something to focus on. right?

on a side note... i was checking out at my local grocery store sunday evening... and the checker guy (who was probably 23 / 24 years old)... said to me, 'what year are you?' his speech was very slurred so i wasn't sure what he asked me... so i smiled so as not to answer incorrectly... he asked again, 'what year are you? what school did you just enroll in this year?' i said, 'what?' he goes, 'are you a freshman or a sophomore? there's not much difference in appearance between the two.' i looked at him and said, 'honey, i'm way past sophomore but thanks for asking me.' and i smiled...

now you have to know how i looked at this point... i had just come from working out. which essentially means, my hair was a fright, little to no make up and i probably stank to the heavens. and this dude asks me if i'm a sophomore in college... as if. i looked older at that moment than i do now! i was flattered but i think he was just being flirty and that was his way of picking up a MUCH older woman. i should've humored him. if he were cuter i might have.

book alert: my fave book that i recently finish, in record time i might add, 'emily's reasons why not'... i LOVED this book. i think this was made for a tv series.. VERY short lived series. i never watched it. but the book, i loved. add it to your list. and i hope you like it too.

just like heaven

2007-03-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

so yesterday i spend the day with matilda and her class. it was their annual field trip and this year included a trip to the imax and the planetarium. both of which i'm rather fond of and don't mind visiting. add about 25 4 - 5 year olds and it's a whirlpool of fun.

luckily for me and the other volunteer parents who went along, we each had 2 kids to keep up with. i got matilda and another sweet boy, who was 'cute dad's' son. luck has shone upon me i tell you. he was a very well behaved little boy. held my hand when we walked around, listened when i called for him, more importantly he CAME to me when i called for him. matilda did as well, but she knew she could test my limits because i was also focusing on another child.. which i think made her a tad jealous.

all in all the day was great... the imax was fun... it was actually the one i wanted to see - 'the deep sea'. it was great to watch the kids 'grab' at the fish - the imax was in 3d you see. so it was lots of fun. about 20 min into it, matilda says, 'mommy is it almost over?' i shook my head 'yes' and that was that. seconds later, adam, cute dad's boy, says, 'i'm hungry. when do we leave?' 'in a little bit longer okay?' i whispered... little did they know they had about another 20 minutes to... PLUS a trip to the planetarium. but they survived.

the planetarium was less fun for me. i got a bit sickly in there, what with the huge screen on the ceiling and it's fast moving movie... yeah - not too good for me.. and i was going on little nourishment. i think if i HAD eaten something it would've wound up on the little girl beside me.

once that was over - not soon enough for this gal, we loaded the kids up on the bus and drove to the have lunch in the park. i can't tell you how nice it was. the day was beautiful and the kids were being fairly contained. after all the lunches had been consumed and they could be still no longer, they made a dash for the big hill and began to roll down it. it was so much fun to watch all 25 kiddos rolling down the side of the green grassy hill. their dazed faces were hillarious.

i, of course, had my camera and snapped some cute shots of most of the kiddos.. including cute dad's boy... so NOW i have an in... here's how i'm gonna work it...

me talking to cute dad: 'so you know i went along with the kids on the field trip the other day and took some cute pictures of adam... if you have an email address i can send them to you if you like.' will that work? it should right? unless he has no email... that would be almost unheard of right? well, that's my plan for now... and it HAS to work. or at least get me somewhere.

all in all the day was fantastic. the only downside is the blister i have on my heel from my so called comfy ballet flats. they were supposed to be good for walking... and i was planning on taking them with me when i go on vacation in may... now i have to buy another pair of shoes... because, not only is it a blister.. but it's the SIZE OF PLUTO! and i know... i saw that planet in the planetarium movie.

he's a dream

2007-03-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

and what a dream he is... so i found one thing to motivate me during my workouts... hot guy. he is both hot in appearance and probably in body temp since he's working out. =) but boy, is he H.O.T.

i first saw him i guess 2 weeks ago... like the second time i went to work out... he was with another guy, who oddly looks like one of the guys on 'the bachelorette' - one she DIDN'T pick but sooo should have... he's blonde and i don't much care for blonde guys. i mean, don't get me wrong, if justin timberlake came knocking - i'd certainly answer THAT door, but in general, i prefer a darker guy - dark hair, dark eyes, you know, like prince charming. ha ha... sooo back to hot guy.

he's got it all, dark hair, but i think his eyes are blue, but hey - that works too... he's just sooo hot! i can't think of another way to describe him. he's not too bulky, but toned, he's tall - which is a bonus... and get this. when he works out - ball cap on - turned backwards. i LOVE that. so sexy.

so check it - he does a warm up on the elliptical machine. so i'm thinking, if i can time it right, i can be on another elliptical machine when HE is on one. granted there are like 20 of these things so God would really have to be working things to get us side by side at the same time. we'll see how it goes. but in the meantime, i'm really enjoying watching him pump iron and work that elliptical as i sweat on my treadmill behind him.

another bonus is that he doesn't look like he knows he's hot. i mean, he's got a mirror i'm sure so he knows he's a good lookin guy, but he seems like he'd talk to you if approached. i'm not planning on doing THAT anytime soon, but we'll see.

i'm thinking to keep with tradition and in true form, i might go download 'he's a dream' for my ipod. at least i can see him AND listen to his theme song while i'm working out. for those of you who aren't 'flashdance' fans - can't imagine there being anyone who's NOT a fan- here's the chorus of this little diddy...

' right now, ask me if i care, ooh he's coming closer hot damn i swear, he's gotta be the toughest guy i've ever seen, i can't believe he's lookin' at me... he's a dream'

i just love it. good beat, you can dance to it, i'd give it a 95. =)

let's get physical

2007-03-26T07:45:00.000-07:00

'you're clothes are getting tighter.' that was all it took. a close friend at work said this to me in passing a few weeks ago and it stuck with me. so much that i was determined to do something about it. and make them do a 180 when they see me walking down the hall one of these days... 'my clothes are getting WHAT?' HUH? =) we've been friends for 7 years so it didn't offend me it got me thinking... you're right.

so i did what any paranoid, body insecure woman would do... i joined a healthclub. just dove right into that one complete with a personal trainer. i've had 3 sessions with him and have 2 more to go.. he just might kill me before the last one. let's hope not, but i thought i might die after our initial session.

i was never intimated by exercise equipment. not until day one with anthony. he took me to a stairclimber. not an elliptical machine, not a nordic track thingy that you move arms AND legs in the upward motion...no this was a true STAIR climber. a treadmill with moving steps instead of a flat belt. 5 minutes was my destination on this thing... i thought, '5 minutes, sure no prob.' after 2 minutes, i started to realize i could potentially pass out. 3 min marked the time at which i thought i might fall off the damn thing, 4 minutes = turning it off and running out of there screaming. 5 minutes was my salvation. anthony turned it off and congratulated me on making it thru. i wanted to now kill him!

we stretched and stretched and then moved on the upper body strengthening. this was surprisinig easy for me. granted some parts were difficult, but for the most part, i could do it. i guess carrying around matilda for so long really did some good for my arms. so after working out my upper body our time had come to an end. we set up a time for my next session. had i known then what i know now... i might have quit altogether... the day after the upper body workout... just answering my desk phone at work was painful. but i loved it. at least i knew something was happening.

session number two marked the beginning of one of the most painful things in my life... lower body strengthening. we walk to the treadmill and i'm excited because i'm confident and able on this sucker... (i do speed walking on this on my off-days with anthony) i get on... he sets it up for like 5 minutes and asks, 'have you ever run?' 'from what? i thought to myself. but i said the wrong thing outloud, 'no, i can't really run.' 'well you will today.' and with that, the speed goes from 3.0 to 5.0 and i was literally off and running. my balance has never been what you might call, good. i'm super, ultra clumsy. so instead of running like a normal person on a treadmill, i ran like a freak on a treadmill. i held on. i couldn't NOT hold on. i felt like i was gonna fly off the back of this thing a la jackass style. so i apologized to anthony for my misgivings in the way of running and asked if i could hold on... he said yes and i finished my 5 minutes holding on for my dear life. then the real torture began at minute 10.

i never realized how out of shapy my legs are. yes, they're fine for walking, even walking fast, running and weight lifting - not so much. we begin with light lifts on various machines for the lower body. at about rep #6 (out of 15) my leg began to shake and quiver.. and NOT in a good way. anthony was very supportive and kept talking me thru it. whenever i wanted to give up, he stood by me cheering me on. and i needed it because without it, i would have given up on myself. but anthony wouldn't let me. and i'm thankful for that. we ended the session with 5 minutes on the elliptical machine. i feel like a super dummy on this thing. i know everyone bounces the same odd way on these things, but i feel extra goofy because of the double d's i'm packing. i feel like they bounce more than they should during the work out... so i hated this part as well.

all in all, i feel great, am eating better and enjoying that too. just this morning, the same friend who started me into this new workout situation said, 'wow, you look really good. your waist is so slim. what are you doing?' i wanted to punch them, but instead i just said, 'oh nothing much.'

be not afraid

2007-03-26T07:23:00.000-07:00

okay so it's been what, like a year since i've said hello... not exactly but it feels like it. so much has happened. i lost my grandmother a few weeks ago so that in and of itself was difficult. my mother was stronger than i was, which i found interesting, but comforting a bit. someone needed to hold it together. my aunt did well too. sadly both of them are struggling now, while i do okay.

someone asked me if i was close to my grandmother and the first answer was 'not really, she lived so far from me.' but after thinking about it a bit longer, i discovered that yes, i was. she was here for every major event in my life... my graduation from high school, my wedding day, the birth of my daughter, the end of my marriage and countless birthdays in between. she saw me grow up, literally, into who i am today. i hope she's proud.

her funeral was very small, mainly just family and local friends. matilda went with me. HIM was surprisingly okay with me taking her across 2 states so she could be with me. see, matilda was the light in my grandma's eye. before it was me, so i'm told, but the second matilda came into the world, she was it. my friend b tells me that when matilda was taken out into the main hospital waiting room, my grandma extended her finger to her and matilda grabbed it. there are no photos of this, just on video i think... i need to get a copy of that and see if i can freeze it for a photo. they connected minutes after matilda came into the world. so i was determined to have matilda there with me. it's what my grandma would have wanted. deserved actually.

i discovered alot of things about myself on this trip. i felt like i was a stranger when i first got there - even though i was surrounded by family. i felt almost like my mother was secluding herself from me. i know realize she was battling inner demons about losing her mother and probably found comfort by being with her sister. i also discovered that i'm more like my grandmother than i at first thought.

i say and do things that she always did. 'whichever way' is my personal favorite and that phrase will live as long as i do... another thing i do is saving kleenex. i hold onto it...for no good reason other than i might need it and i want it near me. even as i sit here typing, i have a folded kleenex tucked under my keyboard corner. i also save those plastic bags from the stores... use them as garbage can liners, much like my grandmother. i've also been known to tie them to something to use as a garbage can if one is not around. it's funny how we pick up habits isn't it?

so... i decided to title this post one of the hymns sung at my grandma's service. she chose all the songs that were sung and this one, i'm told, was her favorite... it's very fitting i think, not just in death but in living as well.

big girls don't cry

2007-01-29T18:23:00.000-08:00

... matilda hit a milestone... and so did, sort of.

see my beautiful 5 year old and i made a deal... when she was 4. the deal was when she started school.. she'd migrate into her own bed. now, her bed is 3 ft from mine because we have a 1 bedroom apartment for now... but she definently has her own space. this is actually HER apartment, i just pay the bills and pickup after her really. =) but nevertheless, the deal was 5 year olds sleep in their bed. did she? not really.

and that's my fault. i now this. i should have been more stern and adamant. but in all honesty, it was a comfort thing for me too. i had to grow up a bit and get past the comfort of knowing my sweet girl was right next to me. literally, right next to me. usually a foot jammed in my back to be exact... but this weekend we ventured out for her to pick out bedsheets because, now it was time to really get serious.

we went to our favorite sunday store... the one with the bullseye logo... and she got to pick any sheet set she wanted. now, naturally, i pushed for dora, little mermaid or the disney princesses... matilda would have nothing of it. instead, she zeroed in on a fantastic set of batman sheets. BAT.MAN. for a sweet little girl. BATMAN. i bought them. and i bought a pillow to match. and you know what... it was the best money i ever spent.

she was so excited to help me put HER sheets on HER bed. and she climbed into her bed all by herself. tucked herself in and was ready for lights out. it was quite different than i had expected. i was so proud yet nervous that she didn't need me as much as she had the day before.

until 11pm. she sat straight up in bed, called out 'mommy!' and i said, 'i'm right here sweetie.' she said, 'okay.' and down she went until 630am this morning. tonight, we'll do a replay. she's ready... i'm ready... and together we'll get thru this new big girl endeavor.

brickhouse

2007-01-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

okay, so disclaimer... this is on a sorta personal level, but all women have these issues... at least i hope they do... maybe not about boobs, like me, but we've all got something about our bodies that bugs us... i'm sure even j.lo doesn't like something about herself. right? =)

so i wanted a new bra right? right. i ventured out and went to a couple places. i ended up settling on a bra that i didn't like 100% but figured it might be the only option i got. i mean it fit nice and it was sorta pretty. i haven't worn it yet. haven't even taken the TAG off yet TO wear it. so yesterday, i'm sitting at work, scanning my hotmail and i see the victoria secret email... 'semi annual sale ends jan 25!' so i decide to go after work. i was searching for something in particular... that i KNEW they'd have.. i just KNEW it.

i go to the sale bins first. pick up about 3 i wanted to try. one was a size larger, but i thought i'd try cause you just NEVER know... then i head to find the shaping one i wanted to try. found it. IN BLACK mind you, which is what i was wanting to buy. so into a dressing room i go. me and my 5 fab bras.

try on first one... my two boobs, turned into 4. no thanks. my two are more than i want to carry. try on second one... not really feeling it. move onto third... WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BOOBS!?! try on the fourth... this one was the one that's a size up from my norm... yeah. FROM my norm. meaning - the sized up version ... is now my NORM. i hear a sales gal outside talking to another customer whom she just measuered as a 36 DD bra wearer. i sorta cringed. i poked my head out asked if she'd measure me and of course she did.

so there i am, arms out forming myself into a 't'. she wraps her tape around the under part.. announces i'm a 36. thank goodness. i mean, at least THAT didn't change. then she does the boobs. 'you're a double d.' HUH? i'm sorry i'm a WHAT? i didn't actually SAY that in so many words, but i do think i said this...'how can i be a size 8 and have double d breasts! do i look that big?' and i was dead serious.

am i all boob? HAVE i BEEN all boob? (i didn't actually say that either) now, she was a petite gal that would resemble a wall if you get my meaning... so her way of comforting me was by saying this, 'i wish i had your problem. you'll look great in t-shirts.' yeah, cause THAT'S what i'm going for. after she left - to get me some other DD bras to try no less - i stood there. in my black pencil skirt and this new 36DD black bra. holy moly - i have DD boobs. i truly was in shock. i actually tried on one bra with cups so HUGE it could've made a decent yameka (however you spell that) for a jewish man.

i bought the damn bra. i'm wearing it now actually and oddly, it feels really good. i also bought a pair of $39 fold-down waist yoga pants for a mere 7 bucks. and let me tell you... they make my booty look like j.lo's. LOVE IT. they're ultra soft and they hide my little c-section pouch which is ALWAYS an added bonus. if only i could wear them out in PUBLIC! =)

don't it make my brown eyes blue

2007-01-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

okay so i got them... blue contacts. after obtaining advice from those close to me... ie lyn... to NOT do it.. i did it.

the results? not good. i wore them two days in a row... here's how it went..

day 1: insert into eye... feels VERY different than clear ones. thicker almost. lenses don't sit perfectly on eye. up close it looks as though i have a thick arc of black either on the top of the colored part or beneath it.. depending on how the colored lense is slipping. yes SLIPPING. people at work noticed sorta... but few commented. my boss said 'i can't get used to you with those blue eyes.' a work friend said, 'it's very different but they look SO real.' she is referred to as 'a plastic' so you can take that comment as you like it. i did. =) now my FAMILY thought it was amazing. my dad was crazy over them. my mom i think was a bit more calm in her comments. she really didn't say much more than 'they look nice.' lies. lies. LIES.

day 2: this is the day of our office party.... so i figured what better way to debut the new eyes than here... again, no comments. except one. one which forced me to realize that blue eyes are clearly NOT me, nor could they ever BE me. a fellow lunch-bunch pal sat across from me while we were eating and said...'dude, what is WRONG with your face?!'

and there you have it folks... what is WRONG with my face? i tried blue contacts.. for a mere two days. i wanted to see what they were like and how i'd look. apparently, not good. so i no longer wear them. i have 3 pair of them, but i figure... you know, if i wanna give it another go i can. just not at work. not EVER at work.

i was meant to have the brown eyes God gave me at birth. they're not so bad.

we are family

2007-01-07T19:15:00.000-08:00

post number two of 2007 and i'm doing well with the title thing. (i think anyway)

my grandmother and aunt are visiting from arizona... i think i mentioned that earlier. well, wednesday, my grandma took a turn in the wrong direction - healthwise. she had caught what we all thought was a bug, but clearly it was the beginning of something more severe. friday am she was taken to a local urgent care center and then transported to a local hospital for admission. she was dehydrated, off balance body chemistry and a nasty infection. i had never seen her in quite a state of mental confusion. she's 91 years old and in all my life, she has always had all her faculties. never confused, never forgetful, never ever talking about things that clearly weren't there.

we all took turns staying in the hospital so she wouldn't be alone at anytime. her mother apparently died peacefully in a hospital shortly after admission... alone. so that's a fear of my aunt and mom. by saturday, she was improving. not 100% better, but not talking about spotted dogs being on her bed or flies buzzing around the room. that in and of itself was a HUGE improvement. to be quite honest, it scared me a little bit. i used to work with seniors who suffered from alzheimer's and dementia but my grandma wasn't ever affected by that horrible disease. and happily she is not affected by it today.

her electrolytes were out of whack. once her body got back to normal, so did her head. she came home today and although she spent most of the day in bed, she looked a WORLD better than she did in the previous days. her color had come back, as best it can for a 90 year old, and she was eating sooo much better.

my dad and i had a rather heated fight earlier this evening. while it's too painful to go into deep detail right now, suffice it to say i was informed, rather strongly, that my choices and decisions in my life are wrong. and that i'm too much of a pushover and i need to be a bully. this stems from asking HIM something earlier in the evening and i didn't get the exact result i had hoped for, but i got part of it and i was pleased. my father, was less than pleased and proceeded to let me, and most of the neighbors, know about it.

the good thing from all this is that i needed to cry. for my grandma and for myself. i guess the fight allowed me to do that. i make mistakes, sometimes everyday of the week. but they are MY mistakes and no one elses. i'm learning that slowly and i'm also learning FROM them.

i figure if i started 2007 with tears of sadness and confusion, surely i'll end 2007 with tears of joy and happiness... right?

auld lang syne

2007-01-01T18:03:00.000-08:00

happy new year!

i find it very funny that for the last 2 months the food channel has been telling us what to serve at our parties, dinners, social events, etc... complete with gobs of butter, sugar and alcohol... and now that the new year is upon us, it's all about how to focus on weight loss goals and stay fit and healthy in 2007. ironic that they might have helped make us fat and NOW they wanna help us get fit again. i just think it's funny i guess...

so it's another new year. 2007. holy cow i'll be 35 this year. well, i've decided to give this whole healthy kick a shot this year. i'm going to call a local gym tomorrow and inquire about the membership hoo-ha. i kinda think if i know up front i can commit to at LEAST 3 days of work out, then i'll be okay. i'm also uncertain if i'd follow thru, but i think paying helps. or i HOPE it will. note that i have not officially committed as of yet. i'm merely going to call. i might not join tomorrow. i might just resolve to working out at home. i have free weights here and i did get pretty good at using them. i also used to do crunches on my own, push ups and so on. so i might just get back into that. i tend to feel better about myself if i'm making at attempt to take care of my body.

i'm using the motto 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' this year. i'm not sure how it's going to work out for me, but i figured, if i try nothing, i'll get nothing in return. and i've been single long enough. i'd like to go out on a date or two. GOOD ones mind you. not the kind of date where my suitor talks on his cell phone all night or gawks at other women as we're eating dinner. yeah, been there... done that. this year... i'm gonna try and be more chatty with the opposite sex. from guys i work with who i know are available and guys i meet. there's a super cute dad at matilda's school, so i'm gonna make it my goal to get to know him a bit better.

i plan to continue my efforts at patience and continue in my quest of raising matilda to be a fun, sweet girl with good manners. we have a load of fun together i think, and i'd like to continue that trend.

i'm going to try to NOT feel guilty about wanting a life and trying to have one. i tend to feel guilty if i ask my parents to watch matilda so i can enjoy a night out with friends... i'm going to work on those feelings and try to remember that it's good for both of us to have a change of scenery once in a while.

i thought i'd try to use song titles as my blog entry titles. that will be difficult because trying to find songs that fit my entries, well, it might not be all that easy, but i'm gonna give it a shot.

update on my book reading... i read about 15 books last year. so i met my goal. there were some i started but didn't finish so i didn't count those. my favorites were 'the devil wears prada', 'the assistants', 'fatal distraction or how i conquered my addiction to celebrities and got a life', the second assistant' and finally, 'the first assistant'. i also rather liked teri hatcher's book 'burnt toast'.

so that's it. i'm not going to set any goals for myself about how many books i want to read or how often i'm going to blog / journal... instead, i'm going to get better in tune with my physical, mental and emotional self. and try to snag a guy here and there.

wish me luck!

farewell 2006

2006-12-31T07:42:00.000-08:00

over the last several days, maybe weeks since i last blogged, i've been taking in all that is the holidays. my family has come in from arizona, matilda has been with me since december 26 and i'm beginning to lose my mind... or what's left of it.

i had a moment of fun when my gal pal, lyn, came up for a visit. matilda stayed with my family and we had a night out on the town. well, sorta. we were out late at night which was unusual for both of us but we survived. again, sorta. both of us got a little weirded out at one point over the time we were together. but in the end, the visit was fabulous and fun. i look forward to many more (minus the ickyness) in 2007.

as for me, well, the re-inventing will begin tomorrow. i have a new name, new goals and hopefully i'll add new relationships to the list as well. i've been thinking about my resolutions for '07 and haven't come up with anything yet. i always say i'll try to be more patient and less sarcastic, but who am i kidding? those are parts of me that i don't know i'll ever be able to change. and i think i handle those parts fairly well. i think anyway.

i plan to continue my search for happiness, self sufficientness (a word i might have just made up), being the best mom i can be for matilda and to take time out for myself anytime i get the chance.

life is short. we all know this but i'm not 100% certain we actually take advantage of knowing this. people always say 'live each day to the fullest' or 'live each day as if it were your last'. i think there's even a saying like 'live each day without regret' or something like that. well, something i'd like to do is to TRY and take this into each day. i'm not quite sure how at this point, but i'm hoping to figure it out along the way.

and yes, i'm well aware i'll have regrets even though i don't want them. like when i don't order a cheeseburger and opt for the low-cal grilled chicken sandwich.. or vice versa.

ch..ch..ch..changes...

2006-12-20T17:42:00.000-08:00

so today marked the end of an era. the end of something i have called my 'own' for almost 12 years. the closing of a life i once had. yes, today i officially changed back to my maiden name and i gotta tell ya, i'm feeling very... strange about it.

it's funny because when i learned my attorney failed to capture this in my final decree i was pretty frustrated. when i found out she was making efforts to get it rectified, i was happy. i wanted it done... and now that it IS done, i feel oddly indifferent about it. i would think i'd be happy and ready to get all my documentation updated, but instead, i'm filled with 'why did i do this?' 'who did i do it for?' because i really don't know.

dont get me wrong, my dad will be sooo pleased i now have his last name and i'm honored to have it. but in the grand scheme of things, WHO am i? i remember in high school, i felt so nerdy and just invisible. i had my maiden name. when i got married, i feel like i really came into my own. discovered who i was and what i wanted for myself. but, discovering that has nothing to do with a last name right?

it's so new. i have to re-learn how to sign my NEW name. i have to remember to introduce myself in a new way. i've asked myself if i'm feeling this way because matilda will still have his last name while mine is different. i think that might be part of it. but again, why am i bothered by this? i have no idea. all i know is that i didn't feel the rush of excitement that i had hoped.

sooo, in 2 weeks i'll have a new social security card and can begin getting all my affairs in order, as they say on tv. i wish i knew why i was feeling this way. my dad told me that it's normal because this signifies the death of the marriage. like the divorce decree wasn't enough i guess. i don't know. maybe he's right. it's just a name right?

i've changed so much over the last several months, this is the icing on the cake i suppose. it's a nice way to start the new year too. new year, new name, new goals. hopefully... i can add 'new man' to that list as well. (and maybe another new name, perhaps.) =)

firsts...

2006-12-19T12:36:00.000-08:00

last night i asked matilda to sign the christmas card i got for my parents. it's a kids card to grandparents and i found it only fitting that matilda sign her own name.

i can't tell you the last time i smiled quite that big. i watched my sweet little girl hold the pen with perfect form and carefully write each letter of her name. i was quite proud. in fact, i cried. not huge sobbing but simple tears of sweet joy and wonder that my very own angel knows how to not only SPELL her name, but WRITE it out. on paper... WITH pen! it was fantastic.

she then continued to write 'mommy' which sorta looked like 'momomy'. so there's an extra 'o' in there.. who cares! the card is so whimsical. she drew pictures. one of me with the cat on my head and one of her... now, in all honestly, these look like creatures one might see in a tim burton claymation movie, but they are one of a kind in that i don't think matilda will be able to re-create these images again. well, who knows really. maybe she will.

big night out...

2006-12-16T07:42:00.000-08:00

yes folks, i had my first holiday party to attend as a single gal. and the funniest part of all.... i went with my parents. now before you get all 'omg you poor thing' on me, let me explain.

see, my mom and i work for the same company... different departments but we know the same circle of people. so when she got the invite and the event was on a night that i was matilda-free, i jumped at the opportunity to have a little fun. plus, i had two guarenteed designated drivers should i tie on a few too many beverages.

we get there, it's a party for an interior design company in town. i knew most of the people so i mingled pretty good. one of the first ladies i talked with says, 'so what's it like to party with your parents?' i was mildly amused because as i got ready to go, i asked myself that very question... my relationship with the parental units has changed greatly over the last few years. we're friends. we support each other no matter what. we have a great relationship. so that's what i said. she replied, 'i'm jealous.' made my night.

so as the evening progressed, i'm eager to see cute single guys... i meet up with an old friend jesus, who is more girly than i am, but he's so much fun. we checked out the men in the room and he informed me who was my type and who was his... most were his. it was an interior design firm you know.

by the end of the evening, i was the DD. mom had a few too many, as did my dad. so i drove us home. it's times like those that made me realize how great my parents are. and how much we rely on one another. they've been there for me when i needed them most and i always find ways to be there for them when they need me. granted i was only a chauffer, but still. they needed to get home somehow.

now starring...

2006-12-13T12:36:00.000-08:00

MATILDA!!!

yes folks, she had her first EVER school holiday program last night and let me just say... i couldn't have been prouder of her.

now her class sang 2 songs. 'i saw mommy kissing santa claus' and 'santa claus is coming to town.' two songs she knows by heart... the girl didn't sing ONE word. nothing. she stood up on stage looking adorable and smiling as big as i've ever seen. and that in itself made me beam with pride. i took a gazillion pictures and am already planning how and where to display them.

the fantastic debut was capped off with a trip to mcdonald's. quite a full evening for the little star.

tis the season

2006-12-06T10:16:00.000-08:00

yes, christmas time is upon us. and i'm ODing in the holidays. i've been listening to the nonstop christmas radio station since they started playing the festive tunes. (which was like thanksgiving day i think.)

my christmas shopping is done. i still need to find a few small things for matlilda to give my parents, but other than that, i'm done. thank goodness for black friday. nothing rings in the christmas joy than standing in line for 40 minutes to dash in the super center and buy stuff you think you're getting a good deal on. with total strangers who would cut you in a second if you snatched the last item. luckily the easy bake oven i was eyeing wasn't a hot ticket item so my life was spared when i grabbed it.

there's something about this time of year that is so very romantic to me. and it's weird for me to feel that way now that i have no romance in my life, but i still feel it. i hear these songs on the radio and the cold weather surrounding me outside... and it makes me hopeful that i will spend a future christmas with someone special. i know, i sound like a made-for-tv movie.

speaking of movies... 'ELF'! omg - that movie is my new holiday favorite. can't get enough of it. my parents think i'm nuts but, i'm sorry... when buddy screams that he knows santa, and freaks out when he hears santa is coming to the store... well, it's right up there with when grandma wraps the cat up for a present in 'christmas vacation'.

i'm going to my first holiday party next week. albeit with my parents, but it's a work party. sorta. a firm we do business with has a holiday party each year - free food, booze and fun. so i'm going. maybe i'll find a cute single guy to meet under the mistletoe. as if. i have another party the night after that one even. a friend at work has a holiday party at her house every year and last year it was so much fun. so i'm all geared up to go again. my close work friends will be there, along with other friends we all know. so it's sure to be fun fun fun.

so my holiday this year is shaping up rather nicely. matilda will have lots of goodies to open up and my distant family members are flying in to be with us for the first time in a long time. i can't wait.

tis the season, indeed.

achievements

2006-12-01T17:10:00.000-08:00

as i was driving home tonight i realized something. i drove towards the city skyline and remembered the first time i had ever seen it. i was about 15 years old and on my first night trip to the city. (yeah, sad but true) we were going to a concert downtown and i had never seen the skyline shining in the nighttime sky. i saw it and was in awe. now i know i don't live in chicago, new york or seattle, where skylines are famous.. but here, it was where i wanted to be.

i remember seeing it and saying, 'one day i want to work in a building like that.' never thought much more about it after that. as we drove thru the city streets, i commented on how i'd love to live in the hustle and bustle of the city.

almost 11 years later... i am doing both. i work in one of those tall buildings and am proud of my accomplishments with my work. i also scored an awesome apartment 10 minutes from downtown. so each night (when the weather is a tad warmer) i open my shades and i can see the night sky and the planes flying over head on their way to the airport. now, i can't hear them, but they're up there. coasting in for a safe landing and it's amazing. every now and then i can see the spotlight from the tower a few miles away.

i know this sounds nuts, but for me it was eye opening. for the first time in my 34 years, i have realized, not one but TWO goals i set for myself eons ago. i might not have even realized they were goals back then, but i do now. the weirdest part of all this is that i feel safe and secure in such a huge place. it's almost like i belong here.

happy holly days

2006-11-19T19:45:00.000-08:00

i saw that tag line on a sign yesterday and it made me smile. it also inspired me to put my tree up. i know, i know it's nuts but i couldn't resist. you see, i bought a new tree two weeks ago and ever since, i've been itching to put it up. it's a modest 7 1/2 ft tree - no prelit business for me. i saved myself the extra 45 bucks and decided to string them myself. as particular as i am, it was probably the better option. =)

now, i didn't decorate it yet. i'm saving that for tomorrow night when matilda gets here. she loves putting the ornaments on the tree. it's difficult for me to deal with all the ornaments being in one section of the tree as opposed to being stragetically placed throughout the tree... but she enjoys deciding where each ornament should go. i did come up with a new tree topper. i'd been searching and searching for the right star or the perfect serene angel to watch over our tree, but i kept coming up empty handed. nothing spoke to me. so i decided to go another route. i found a gorgeous christmasy floral pick that's nothing but silver tinsel with silver balls on the tips. the tinsel is on wire branches that are about 8" long and they can be bent in any direction. i love it. it looks like a bunch of shooting stars sprouting out the top of the tree. like a firework in the sky. i also got some peacock feathers and stuck those up near the top too. i'm surprised wendy the cat hasn't tried to climb the tree for those suckers.

i ordered a nativity for matilda.. and for me too, but it's geared for her. it's the little people nativity scene. i've been searching for this item for quite awhile and finally decided to buy it online. it should be here next week or early the following week. and i just can't wait. soo cute.

anyway.. that's been my sunday. a very relaxing, yet productive day. and for me - those are the best kind.

nostalgia

2006-11-19T06:57:00.000-08:00

now anyone who knows me, knows i'm a sucker for 80s music, early 90s teen movies.. as a matter of fact, i'm watching 'can't hardly wait' right. this. second. i don't know why i like this stuff... i mean, i'm 34 watching movies about a high school graduation party and the chaos that ensues with each character... but i LOVE it! i think ethan embry is a cutie so maybe that's why...

the other day, however, i did the unthinkable. i was caving into an urge that is dark, taboo and almost unheard of for a woman of my age... i dug out my old nsync cds. *AAAHHHHHHHH* i know, i know, you're shrieking in horror. beleive me, it took alot of guts to admit that. hell, it takes guts to admit i HAVE old nsync cds. but i do. i have all of them. i even have a 'special' cd that a friend created for me. i have stuff YOU probably never heard! am i proud of that? heck yes i am! true they were cheesy pop boys, but they could harmonize like no other. and come on, have you seen justin or jc? hello! they are the reasons for my addiction... er i mean affection. mr. j.t. himself is doing so much more than any of them... AND i've got tickets to see him when he strolls into town. ;-)

anyway... i'm still on a hunt for THE cd that sparked my initial search. it's here somewhere - and i shall find it. oh yes, i shall find it soon.

choices

2006-11-15T16:50:00.000-08:00

this post might seem silly to some of you, but for me it reinforced the goodness in other people and in how matilda is being brought up. i must be doing something right.

i witnessed two events which happened within minutes of one another. i had little to do with either decision involved but was happy to be present when it was made.

the first big choice involved my dear, sweet matilda. we were at a major supercenter store (name withheld but if you go about a mile from your house, you've got one there...) she wanted a toy. now, this isn't necessarily something i'm proud of, but matilda seems to think anytime we're in a store, she gets something. this was a poor choice i made when me and HIM seperated. i would take her grocery shopping and let her pick one thing. and now i'm paying for it... literally. today was different. she asked to go to the toy section and hesitantly i agreed. (don't ask me why, please just don't.) so there we are. among glistening dolls, shiny cars, colorful balls... she had settled for a ball until i found something i thought she might like. it was a read and learn bible. now in all seriousness, the ball would have been the cheaper choice, but for me, the bible made better sense. and with no prompting from me whatsoever, matilda chose the bible. she was so excited to see it. i mean, REALLY excited and pleased with her decision. so was i.

the second event that made me smile was when we were on our way home from said supercenter. we're driving along, traffic isn't so bad and we were getting close to home. when i saw two dogs crossing the median and heading into the traffic in front of me. i began to panic and to prepare myself for the first car to hit the first dog when i was presently surprised. the car actually came to a screeching halt, risking getting rear-ended by the car behind it, so the two little dogs could cross the street (somewhat safely).

now some of you might think this is nothing big to tell, but since moving into the city, well, life is much more fast paced than i thought. but one person was caring enough to slow down and not take the life of a crazy dog crossing the street. it made me smile and quietly thank that driver. i, myself, have been known to break for squirrels. and an early date with HIM, well, needless to say i cried like a baby when he hit and killed a raccoon. (should've known there was something wrong with HIM then, huh?) yes, i'm an animal lover. of all animals. big or little. well, i don't much care for rats or mice, but you know - as long as they stay in their space, it's all good.

groovin'

2006-11-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

sorta anyway...

i've been in an unshakeable funk for the last several days. to look at me, you'd not know it but i can feel it. i can't put my finger on what the root of the funk is exactly, otherwise i'd fix it or something, so i've just been trying to focus my energy on things that i can control and try to make positive changes in my everyday life.

i spend more silly time with matilda. that's nothing new though. we have LOTS of silly time - always have - but the difference now is that our silly time happens almost everyday, as opposed to her first day back with me after a weekend with HIM.

i think i need to spice up my life a little... i got some advice from my gal pal, lyn, about a multivitamin which she likes. so i bought some of my own and have started taking them. those things are HUGE. i got some 'firming' lotion from nivea. i figure if i can't lose the flab, FIRM IT UP! will it work? who knows. i figure if it doesn't, who cares, my skins moisturized regardless. and flabby skin ALWAYS looks better moisturized than it does dry. =)

i'm investigating options for colored contacts. now i know most of you think those look totally fake and yes, i do agree. but to shake things up i thought it would be fun. i haven't decided on a color yet but will check into at my upcoming eye doctor visit. i figure 3 pairs should be just fine. enough for me to try it out... see how i feel with a new eye color and to guage the response i receive from those around me. i'll keep you posted.

turkey day is just around the corner and i have decided that i am taking on the entire purpose of thanksgiving. i am thankful for what i have. i'm thankful for what i DON'T have. i need to not take things for granted anymore and i need to appreciate things in my life. after turkey day, i'm putting up the tree. i'm so anxious to do it now, but i'm afraid i'll get tired of it a week before Christmas. so i'm going to wait and put it up a few days after thanksgiving. it will be a fun task for matilda and me. perhaps it will get my creative juices flowing again. i need a project. and Christmas could be it!

funkadelic

2006-11-12T06:55:00.000-08:00

and not in the whole 'marky mark and the funky bunch' way... i don't know why but i've been down lately. and i don't even have good reason. matilda turned 5 the other day and some people have suggested that's why i've been rather depressed, but i just don't know... doesn't make good sense to me, but then again i'm no expert on the subject.

thursday was the low day for me. which oddly enough WAS matilda's bday. so maybe there is some logic to that theory. i woke up in a downer kind of mood and just stayed there throughout the entire day. i was talking to a friend at work, who's also a divorced mom - a tad older than me but her daughter is the same age as matilda... she was in a rather bad relationship with a guy and she knew he was bad news but he was always there for her when she needed someone or was lonely... that's why she kept going back to him. she told me about a recent scuffle with him, which required police intervention, and said something that really hit me... hard.

she said that as mothers, we give our children all the energy and love we have inside us and focus all our attention on them, when will someone give the same to us? now when she said that, at first i thought, 'well i know matilda loves me.' but that's not what she meant. she meant a significant other. when will someone give us the same love and affection we give out? i felt sorry for her and what she went thru in her search for that, but at the same time, i asked myself if i would put myself in a similar situation. you know, a bad relationship just for the sake of being IN a relationship... it's not good for anyone. as we talked and her words really hit me, my eyes began to fill with tears. it was at that moment i realized i might never feel that. affection, love, companionship with another. i may, but again, i might not. it's slim pickens out there ladies. REALLY slim. i have decided that the old saying is true.. the good ones are taken.

but there is always hope. and when you lose that, you've truly given up. i'm not there yet. and i hope i'm never at that point. i'm too young to give up. my soulmate is out there. i believe that.

** i wanted to send a HUGE 'cheers' to my gal pal lyn. her and her chosen one celebrated 11 years of wedded bliss yesterday. eleven years. that's quite an accomplishment. they have two great kids and the world's biggest dog. congrats to you all! may you have 11 more! =)

boredom

2006-11-05T17:32:00.000-08:00

i have come to find that when matilda isn't with me... i'm totally bored. i've run out of fun things to do on my own. right now, if she were with me... she'd be in the tub and i'd be putting clothes away or watching her swish back and forth in the tub, stressing out as the water toppled over onto the floor but cracking up as she cackled away with silly laughter. but no, she is not here and i find myself wondering what to do with my 'alone' time.

i really am ALONE. there is no one here with me. no one to talk to. the cat is here of course, but she's not much for conversation. unless she needs food and/or water. i know i'm okay and i will continue to be okay, it's just hard not knowing what she's doing or HOW she is doing. i miss her.

tomorrow will be back to normal. she's going to turn 5 later this week. FIVE. i have a five year old. i still can't believe it. if you told me 15 years ago that i'd have a 5 year old and be divorced, i'd have said you were crazy. more so about having a child than the divorce, sad to say. but here i am. a single mom at 34.

i ask myself how i got here, and i really don't know the answer. i never expected my life to turn out like this. but, at the end of the day, i'm glad for it. i've learned my strengths, weaknesses and how to deal with just about everything from a cloggy sink to being by myself on a saturday night.

the best part of all... i'm doing just fine with everything.

honey, i'm home!

2006-10-29T08:31:00.000-08:00

yes i am... i am blogging from HOME!! EUREKA! and the best part...

i. am. wireless. woo hoo. it's actually very cool. so now i be online in bed, on the couch, in the bathroom.. don't worry about that though - that's kinda gross. i'll mainly surf from the couch, table or bed. come to think of it, online activity will be the ONLY activity my bed has seen EVER. hee hee

took about a week to get dsl successfully up and running. it also took LOTS of complaining and fussing with the fabulous customer service team at a popular dsl provider... which will remain nameless *cough sbc*. =)

so now, i can do whatever i'm NOT allowed to do at work. i can even surf porn if i wanted to. i don't but i could.

as happy as i am to finally be in the land of the internet from home, i have to sign off. because you see, it's a gorgeous day outside and i need to get matilda out in it. plus i have laundry to do so i need to get up and at em.

later for you, information super-highway. i'm going 'old school' and getting off for the moment. =)

slump

2006-10-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

yes, i'm in a total slump these days. don't know why either really. quite frankly, life is peachy keen but i just haven't been myself lately. nothing exciting to report, no new happenings going on in my world.

i've had a couple extra days with matilda and that's been loads of fun. no really - truly nice. she hasn't asked about HIM once. which surprised me a bit. apparently HIM had a work thing to attend out of town and matilda staye with me for his two days. i expected him to call and talk with her at some point, but i guess that was expecting too much. it's funny how different our worlds are. i call her after school if she's not with me. even if i dropped her off at school. HIM on the other hand... hasn't seen her since monday and hasn't called once. funny. and HIM is the one who wanted children in the first place. she is my world though. and i wouldn't have it any other way.

my friend lyn is going thru highs and lows in her family. the birth of a new baby and the loss of a life. two very extreme emotions and it's hitting her family at the same time. my heart goes out to everyone. this family is like glue. better than glue. they are so close to one another and support everyone you can't help but be upset when someone goes thru something terrible. well, when you read this lyn, know that i'm thinking of you and yours often. and 'g' is in my prayers as well.

on a lighter note... i'm in love with julian mcmahon. yes, mr. nip/tuck himself. lyn and i found some info on him the other day and i decided then and there - that i was totally infatuated with him. he's perfect. and if you've ever watched nip/tuck.. well, you know that his backside is pretty perfect in and of itself. and sometimes a single mom needs a nice booty to check out. and his is perfect. anyway - if you HAVEN'T seen the show... check it out. minus the kiddos. i can only watch it when matilda isn't with me. i don't even risk watching it if she's sleeping cause with my luck, she'd wake up just dr. troy (my julian's character) is walking around in his birthday suit... then i'd hear matilda say, 'he's NAKed.' followed by, 'why is he naked mommy?' only to be followed by, 'why are you watching this mommy?' cause mommy's don't like to see pretty naked men do plastic surgery on odd looking people. nah, not at all. =)

hum-drum, ho-hum

2006-10-18T07:59:00.000-07:00

well, it's hump day. nothing fun about that except that we're a couple days closer to the weekend. it's still too early to tell if i'll make it OVER the hump though. i'm 50/50 at this point.

it's going to rain... again. and my hair can't take much more of this dreaded humidity. it's like 200% today, as opposed to the usual 100%. thank goodness for humidity fighting hairspray. it does work.

matilda has announced that she doesn't want a birthday party this year. i was planning on something fun at a local eatery/game haven, but she said, 'no, i don't want a party. i just want to do something with you, grandmerry and granddaddy. ' now, that was about as cute as it could get, but i was surprised she didn't want something with her school friends. she really doesn't either. i waited a couple days and asked again... same answer. 'i don't want a party.' so... alas - she's not getting one.

i feel kinda odd about the whole thing actually. i won't force her to do something she doesn't want to do, but i feel bad that she'll tell other kids and HIM that she didn't have a party for her birthday. if i know matilda though, she'll say she didn't want one. and that's all that matters to me.

so now, i'm focusing on a good BIG present for her. one that will be educational, but fun. i was thinking of those handheld learning game things. i don't know. it's so hard because she'll play with something for a few days and then that's it... and i'll have spent 80 bucks on the thing. i'd like to find something that we can buy differnt games for. maybe that leapster thing is the answer. i'll have to see.

anyway - that's about it with me these days. i have this weekend on my own, minus my matilda... and i've decided to stay home alone friday night. i spend every second of the weekend with my parents and while i love them more than ever, i need some time away. so i've decided to spend friday evening alone. i'll pick up some sushi on my way home, maybe pop in a dvd and just relax and enjoy my time with myself. and the cat too of course. should be good.

who knows... i might even blog a little. =)

friday the 13th - update below...

2006-10-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

yes, today is that infamous day. the day with jason voorhees stalked kids at crystal lake and made that weird noise... i refuse to type the sound because then i won't get it out of my head and quite frankly, i don't like that noise. =)

today i woke up early. 415am early. managed to stay in bed until 5am. had to deal with a chatty cat who kept meowing until i finally got out of bed... my shower went off without a hitch thankfully...the events that occured after my shower - not quite what i expected.

while getting dressed, i prick my finger with a safety, leaving a bit of blood on my WHITE dress shirt. i had no other options for attire today, so i had to figure out a way to conceal the blood, i think i'm pulling it off okay.

leaving the house, my car engine revved up a bit more than i remembered. then the engine light came on. now, i had to meet HIM to pick up matilda for school, so i simply HAD to drive it. i'm a little paranoid since it's like 630am, dark and i'm on the freeway with the engine light glaring at me. but i make it to my destination - ahead of schedule even. as i'm driving, i notice a LOT of cars basically parked on the freeway - heading the direction i NEED to go after getting matilda. so i'm beginning to strategize my route to her school.

i decide to go a different way than our normal route. you see, i bought a toll road pass so i have free reign on the tollroads now. EUREKA - it's fanstastic! so we get to school in record time. apparently people don't know about this tollroad cause it was generally empty. we're hanging out in the car, listening to music, then we walk to the school doors. and that's when it happened.

my FANTASTIC NEW LEOPARD SLINGBACKS BROKE. BROKE! i've worn them MAYBE 5 times since i bought them and i LOVE these shoes. i've gotta try and either take them back for a new pair or try to fix them somehow. i think they could be fixed, but i just don't know. these shoes are amazing. so, i'm walking thru matilda's school with one shoes securred to my foot while the other flops on and off. i take them off as soon as i get to my car and drive home to find ANOTHER pair of shoes. after trying on 2 pairs of boots, i'm ready for work. again.

thankfully the drive to work was hazard free and the boots are still in place. blood on shirt still concealed and that's about it... for now. of course i still have to drive HOME.

UPDATE: after arriving home, i managed to REMOVE one of my solar nails. you see, i was putting my laptop on the floorboard the passenger seat and well, it got stuck going down and when i lost grip on it, my nail bent back and tor in the middle. all the way down to the quick. hurt like a sonofagun, let me tell you. so needless to say, my fantastic shoes weren't the only things that broke today.

access: denied!

2006-10-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

okay, so at work we are no longer able to surf particular websites. games, online music, that sort of thing. well those didn't affect me too much. i seldom play games (no time to do that at work anyway), music - i have enough songs on my computer to occupy an entire work week, so that was okay too. i was not prepared for what happened next.

everyday i visit my most favorite website go fug yourself. it's incredibly funny, witty and silly - just like me. well, when i clicked on the favorite link... i got 'the screen.' not the screen i wanted to see, but the one telling me 'this site is prohibited.' WHAT?!? then i read further and it's in the 'entertainment' category which means it's not appropriate to surf at work. we have people hooking up on match.com during the workday and i can laugh at britney spears latest ensemble? OH THE HUMANITY!

so at that moment, i decided to get a laptop for my home. it's 2006 - and i think it's time. so i ordered a trusty dell notebook which should arrive HOPEFULLY thursday of this week. i'm going wireless in my pad so i can even surf the web in my hall closet. and best of all. NO restrictions on what site i visit. it's all about me.

oh and get this... i couldn't even get a recipe from bettycrocker.com. THAT was even restricted. a RECIPE site. it's okay though. i'm not bitter. well maybe just a bit.

flickety flick!

2006-10-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

okay so i have come to the conclusion that i'm a once-a-week blogger. take it or leave it, i say.

i have also decided that matilda is the class tattle tale. yeap. i raised a narc. now granted, i'm sure most of the things she's tattling are justifed, but then again, she's 4. she told me yesterday that a little girl, one who she WANTED to name our cat after, was teasing her. i asked HOW she was being teased and here's what she told me.

matilda: 'she said, "i can see your flashlight."'
now i'm wondering 'what are they using 'flashlight' as a code for these days?' could you see her underpants? could you see what? what is a flashlight!! well, i later found out that HIM gave matilda a keychain flashlight and her friend was merely pointing out the fact that she could see it.

i told my sweet girl that that wasn't teasing. she argued with me and then i realized... matilda had probably been asked by her teacher to put the flashlight AWAY and she did, but snuck it out again.. to which her friend was ever so gently letting her know - 'i see your flashlight' which was probably code for 'put it away before you get in trouble.'

another fun after school story was one about two little girls, three if you include matilda, the narc, on the playground during recess.

remember recess? a time to swing, laugh, feel the wind in your hair and the sun on your face? well apparently recess has taken on a new meaning of 'fun'. it's called 'flicking'. i was told about how one little girl FLICKED another little girl right on her head! matilda, being the designated tattler, told her teacher what was going on and the alleged flicker got into a bit of trouble.

here's my thing... what do i teach her about tattling? obviously, if someone is getting hurt and can't tell the teacher, i think it would be okay for her to do that... but then again, do i really want her to be known as the girl who tattles? no, not really. i told matilda that the flickee should have told the teacher what happened, and if she, herself, were ever the flickee, then that's when she tells. but not when it's happening to someone else.

i know i'm going down the wrong path, it's just that this flicker girl is always into trouble. matilda tells me stories everyday about how she sticks her tongue out at kids, how she grabs people's lunch sacks, and now she's flicking them in the head. what's next?

i think i'm going to tell matilda to ignore her because it seems this little flicker girl is just in need of attention, anyway she can get it. and the more she gets it, the worse she'll be.

i'm just praying matilda doesn't get flicked by her. my luck she'll flick back and then i'll have to deal with the flicker's mother... wonder if she'd flick ME in the head.

tidbits

2006-09-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

lots of fun stuff has been going on for matilda and me. we took a quick weekend trip away with my parents... did touristy stuff, silly stuff and had a grand old time. matilda is really coming into her own person. which makes me both happy and sad. she wanted to order her own food when we went to eat, my little girl is growing up too fast. but she's becoming less shy which i LOVE! maybe now she'll talk to my friends instead of cowering behind me.

one thing that was incredibly cute. we were out having breakfast one morning and had to make a visit to the potty... well, my matilda loves music just like her mommy and so as we're in the stall, she's singing, 'fly me to the moon... let me play among the stars...' and i sing along with her and she's just happy as a clam. my mom later told me that there was a lady waiting who was just smiling away at us. it was fun. my baby girl loves her some frank sinatra!

i've become a master at using a flat iron on my hair. yes, the heat isn't good, but i've got stuff to treat it. and i like the straight styles better than the crazy curls. especially in this humidity. so for now... i have smooth, sleek, straight hair. ooh la la.

that's about it. life is good. can't complain. matilda will be with her dad this weekend and i'm trying to figure out what to do with myself. the weather is supposed to be incredible, but being outdoors minus your kiddo seems silly to me. i'm thinking i'll take my book to my parent's and just sit out on their patio and read. at least i'll be outside enjoying the weather. that's my goal this weekend. be. outside. doesn't matter what i do, just be outside of the house.

i'll let you know how it goes.

surprises, shocks and good ole fun..

2006-09-19T08:53:00.000-07:00

okay - so it's been a while since we last talked (i seem to say that alot these days don't i?) sorry... anyway - remember my friend that i recently found... well she and i talked on the phone for FOUR hours. yes indeed. from 9pm until almost 1:30am! i was soo surprised because i as tired as we both had to be, we probably could have kept on talking for 4 more hours. we talked about everything under the sun and then some.

she and i have gone down similar paths in life - with some differences of course. we're planning on trying to meet up at a halfway point one day soon. i'll keep you posted on how that goes...

so saturday, me, mom and dad were on our weekend outing - probably to eat someplace - YES it was... a fantastic sandwhich place - OMG- amazing... but i digress... my question to you is this... why do people do what should ONLY be done behind closed doors, completely void of any other people... in their cars at stop lights? why? people can SEE them.

picture this... we're driving along, talking about random silly stuff and we hit a stop light. i'm in the back seat, dad is driving and mom is in the passenger seat. dad and i are like clones of each other (which is weird but true). we look at other people and instantly point out the weird factor. mom doesn't do it much, but today - she was in rare form. she comments on the strange woman behind the wheel to our left. dad and i look, this woman is clearly insane. she's alone in her car, twisting her hair (which is perfectly normal because i DO that), but she was also talking to herself. not singing along with a radio or cd, talking to herself WITH hand motions. so maybe a better statement is that she was having an arguement with herself. what happened next STILL shocks me.

mom looks away and dad and i are still mesmirized by her actions - and then it happened. her forefinger went up the nose.... then into her mouth. i. kid. you. not. now, i have to say i have never seen any one person - over the age of 4 - do this. but she did... AND she did it more than once! the second time, she actually LOOKED at her 'prize' before devouring it. what kind of person is that? OMG - we were mortified that a) someone her age would do this and b) in public open view of other people. her windows were NOT tinted. people COULD see her. OMG OMG OMG. we all three screamed out in terror as we witnessed this grotesque display. it took literally all day to get the vision out of my head. it's still there though. i'm considering therapy.

tag i was 'it'...

2006-09-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

okay so my friend lyn tagged me in her blog... so here goes ...

from: 'being ok just isn't enough: the power of self-discovery' by doris wild helmering

"on the opposite side of those who are caught in the past are those who think only of the future. it's always the next paycheck, the next deal, the next sexual experience, the next purchase, the next golf game. they're so caught up in what they think is going to happen next that they miss out on the present."

i have no one to tag. no one reads my blog but me and lyn... so if you are a passer-by and feel like playing - leave your 'tag' item in the comments with a link to your own blog. and thank you for playing.. bye bye

in all honesty, i've had this book in my bookcase for months and i haven't read it yet. having done this tag thing though, it's next on my list. of course - 'next' is a negative word in the passage above. maybe i should just do it now. =)

well, well, well...

2006-09-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

how things change in a few days.

since we last 'talked' i have done many things.

1) the long, lost friend i mentioned earlier - was in fact HER! we've emailed a dozen times to catch up, basically, we have been down similar paths with our relationships, she's still in hers, but not entirely thrilled to be. we have a phone visit planned for tomorrow night. i can hardly wait.

2) i debated switching jobs. another opportunity presented itself, i was offered the job but i turned it down. wasn't what i wanted for myself. it was a bit more money, but the work just wasn't what i wanted to do. instead, i've worked with my boss and the VP here to expand my role in this department, which should take me down the road i want to be on and hopefully, boost my wallet at the same time.

3) as recent as yesterday, i battled HIM over matilda. he informed me that she would be late to school friday because he had to work and it wasn't acceptable to me. it was the straw that broke the camel's back, as they say. the debate took place on e-mail, but my point was made. i said many things i needed to say, things i should have said long ago actually, but i said them. in the end, i won. which made me feel good. the point made was that HIM's job took priority over matilda and her schooling. the only solution was she be late so he could work. now, for those of you who don't know HIM's line of work, he takes call - and has always taken call for his job - in times when other parent's needed time off for child related outings, he'd take it for them. well, now it's THEIR turn to do the same for HIM. all he had to do was ask. so that's what i forced HIM to do. i could tell from his responses to me that what i said, struck a chord with HIM. and i'm glad. it's time i said the things i said. i never strayed from what was important, matilda, her schedule and her school. being late isn't good. i don't want her walking into an already 'in progress' activity an hour late. it's not acceptable. and i told HIM so. i still can't believe i won and yet, for some weird reason i feel like i lost something. i have to get over that and realize i did what i did, and said what i said, in support of matilda.

so - it's been an eventful week for me. shed some tears, good and bad ones, learned about myself, good and bad things and found a friend i wish i had never lost. only place to go is up i think!

heaven

2006-09-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

nope, not a post about the song by bryan adams, although it is a sweet love song indeed. no this post is about something different.

last night, instead of watching my usual big brother show, i watched a movie. 'five people you meet in heaven.' it was recommended to me by a friend and i thought, i'd check it out. i will be honest, the first 4 people he met, were sorta long, drawn out and didn't do much for me, but person number 5, while predictable, was still very moving for me. i think it was the overall message that moved me.

you see, each person created their own heaven to spend eternal life in. some chose a tropical paradise while another chose a common diner. this concept was very powerful to me. imagine - choosing your own heaven.

i sat there, crying at the entire message. i think it's a different message for each viewer. after the movie had ended i began to wonder... 'who were the 5 people my grandfather met in heaven? all the people he loved were still here.' 'what was his heaven like?' i sobbed for a bit longer and then asked myself, 'what would MY heaven be like?' what would i choose to spend eternal life in. sephora (my favorite store) ... surely not. that's heaven on earth for me. i don't know what i would choose.

perhaps a cool sunny day in a park where you can hear the laughter of children as they roll down hills and swing on swings. or maybe i'd be surrounded by mountains and soothing waterfalls. or perhaps my heaven will be something i have yet to see. with people i have yet to meet.

i imagine if heaven is what you choose it to be, people are happy in their element. be it snow-capped mountains, deserted islands or deer filled woods - heaven could be what you created. it's amazing to think about.

the movie was rather long... longer than i think it needed to be, but at the end i realized what it meant... our journeys are different. no two people will have the same 5 people nor the same journey in life. and as i sit here typing this post, i still get misty eyed at the thought that maybe one of my 5 people will be my 'pap' who i lost when i was 10 years old. maybe i'll find him once again. someday, hopefully later than sooner.

lost friends

2006-09-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

yesterday i mailed a letter to who i hope is a long lost friend of mine. we were inseperable for most of our middle school lives up until she moved to mississippi the summer of our freshman year of high school.

i had been searching off and on on-line for many years. you know entering her name in search boxes hoping something would pop up with maybe an address or phone number... anything to get reconnected with her. well i had no luck. not the free luck anyway. sure i could find out the value of her home for $49.95 but i just wanted an address to send a letter. well i struck gold when i mentioned this to a work friend and her husband was able to find out information based on information i had. so... i was able to get her address.

i spent a bit of time drafting the letter. i wanted it to be a bit personal but not too much because what if this ISN'T my friend but a crazed lunatic. my street address is on the envelope after all. so i was sorta vague, but i did give my name, where we lived and when she moved. i included my email address and asked the reader to let me know one way or the other as to whether it's my friend or not. i figure, if it is, surely she'll email or write back (i hope) and if it's not, i'd like to know that the letter was received and that i still need to keep looking.

as i've gotten older i've come to appreciate close friends in ways i hadn't done before. when my friend moved away, i assumed we'd write and call forever. my mom and an old friend of hers still send christmas cards each year. i just figured that'd be the way things would be for us. but it wasn't. all of a sudden the letters just stopped. one of us decided something was more important than writing back. it could have been me. i took the friendship for granted. assuming it would always be there for me and up until i realized it wasn't, it didn't matter.

my life has gone thru so many changes since she and i spoke and i guess i would have liked to continue to 'grow up' with her like we did when we were younger. i've often wondered how she was, was she married, did she have children, was she happy, does she ever wonder about me... basic stuff. for two people to have been as close as we were it was hard to have the friendship just die one day. it's something i'll regret forever if i can't reconnect with her now.

the friendships i have now are very important to me. very precious and each one is very different from the other. i have friends at work who i confide career goals with, who i grumble with about deadlines because no one else will understand me. i have friends that i've known for years and now, somehow seem like strangers to me because our lives have shifted so differently. i have friends who i've KNOWN of for many years but didn't really get to know until a bit ago... and it's crazy to me that we weren't friends long ago. each one is unique and i think that's what life is all about. that's what people are all about. differences, uniqueness, and figuring out how we fit together.

i hope i get the opportunity to discover my old friend again. and soon. i hate to waste anymore time since we've already lost so much. almost 20 years to be exact.

self discovery

2006-09-06T13:29:00.000-07:00

i have recently discovered that i might be a bit shallow. i never really thought about it until someone said something to me about shallow people. you see, i confessed to a guilty pleasure of mine - beverly hills, 90210 reruns on soapnet. i know, i know - tragic as it may be it IS fun to visit donna, david, kelly and dylan and see what hell they can go thru in an hour. god help them if it's a season brenda was there. =) when i confessed this secret of mine, i heard, 'i didn't think you were that shallow.' um, hello - i'm only WATCHING it. does that make me guilty by association? perhaps it does.

one of my favorite things to surf on the web is the infamous 'go fug yourself' blog. a friend sent me the link and it has been visited everyday since. i love it. it makes me laugh when i'm depressed, it makes me happy to see 'the beautiful people' look crazy at red carpet events. does this make me shallow?

i saw a picture of a certain celebrity in a magazine recently and fell instantly in love with her look. so i went on a mission to find a similar outfit (at a fraction of what SHE spent hopefully). i didn't rest until i found it. the dress was fairly easy to find, the shoes, on the other hand were not. i refuse to go into details about the outfit, because as i tried to explain it to another friend of mine, she raised her eyebrows in disgust and confusion - NOT a good combination. i did manage to find my shoes and will be wearing this fabulous outfit tomorrow. i'll let you know what people say. i think it's cute but perhaps it's not... we shall see.

what traits do shallow people have? i've never thought of myself as shallow and i'm pretty sure people who know me don't either... but what if i am? that's not who i want to be, nor is it who i want others to THINK i am.

i get my nails done, i spend more time getting ready than some women, i enjoy reading fiction novels that have no purpose and certainly won't make me any smarter... i love reality tv - most of it anyway... i love good music - pop, rock, r&b, anything... i think i'm kinda well rounded. sorta. maybe. just a bit.

i try to be a fun person. someone who always has something snappy or sassy to say. to make people laugh and have a good time. i'm caring, tender and loving when i'm with matilda. (and i hope to be that way with a significant other one day in the future).

i hear things people are doing to improve their lives, to pay attention to things taken for granted. i admire their courage to go thru that type of thing. it made me think about myself and things i take for granted.

perhaps it is simply me. i have taken myself for granted and along those same lines i have BEEN taken for granted. i never gave myself much credit for anything i did, anything i wanted to do or thought i should do. so now, i do those things i never did before. and if it makes me shallow - i guess i have to live with it. i refuse to let what others think of me control my actions. it's easier said than done, but it's something i try to do anyway.

there are days i don't like myself very much, days i wish i were taller, smarter, prettier, thinner - maybe i am shallow, but i do think we all have days like that. at the end of it all i want to be happy with who i am and the type of mom i was to matilda. she doesn't see these guilty pleaure trips of mine, those are things i do for myself, by myself.

i have no idea what prompted this post, but it had to be something. there had to be a reason for me to do some mental cleaning. it was getting sorta dusty up there.

bumpy roads

2006-08-29T13:16:00.000-07:00

so friday, while on a lunch outing with work friends, the check engine light shines brightly from my panel. i mildly panic but then remember just a month ago i had the 20k mile service done. all should be fine and dandy. i take the car in early am yesterday, get to work via the parental units and beging my day. my dad was going to pick up matilda from school then shuttle us to the dealership to pick up my car. that, unfortunately did not happen as planned.

at 320pm my office phone rings. it's mom. 'daddy's been in a wreck.' now, there are two things that you think upon the instant... 1) was matilda with him? 2) is he okay? the answers to those were no and yes, respectively. the car - was not okay. so i'm at work, no car. my child is at school waiting for her granddaddy to rescue her, no car and panic sets in. for everyone. at the same time.

i tell mom we need to leave, find a ride to the dealership so we can a) get my car, b) get matilda and finally c) get my dad. that was our plan with which we executed rather well. a friend from work happily accepted my request for a ride and we were off. mom was freaking out mildly because she knew my dad was freaking out bigtime and she had no way to get to him.

we made good time considering the time of day and the amount of traffic we endured. picked up matilda, all smiles which is so very sweet, then trekked over to meet my dad, who apparently was sitting on the side of the road downtown. we get there, he's shaken and stirred to say the least, but knows a trip to the local ER is in order. we go, sit, wait, sit, wait, wait some more and then we go. he's fine... clean bill of health - more or less - and with a few meds on board. all in all, he's fine.

their car, their ONE and ONLY car, is totally totalled. totally. so, again, our family endures a wreck. it was about a year ago i was in a nasty wreck leaving my car totalled and my body banged up fairly good; then, while riding with the parent's, another wreck, in which their car was totalled. i endured a minor fender bender about 6 months after getting a new fabulous car... and now - dad is in another wreck... much worse than anything he's been in before. i'm beginning to think that maybe we're cursed or something. but then i remember i don't believe in curses. i do believe in karma though... so that's got me on high alert every waking moment of the day.

along came a kitty...

2006-08-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

... and her name was wendy. i wanted to name her lola. merely only to title this blog as 'her name was lola...' and then finish with the copacabana song lyrics, but matilda liked the name 'wendy'. so wendy she shall be.

yes, we have a new member of the family and she is of the 4 legged, long hair, long tail and long whisker persuasion. very sweet. matilda adores her and oddly, wendy seems to adore matilda. she talks alot. no.. a. lot. so much that i worry my neighbors will complain. she's a teeny kitty but her lungs are strong and powerful. so i hope she grows out of the chattiness she has introduced us to recently.

we adopted her from a local organization and have been so happy to welcome her into our little home. matilda can't wait to see her and updates me on her every move around our casa. 'she jumped off the bed mommy!' 'she went under the bed mommy!' 'ooh - she's drinking her water!' it's very cute. matilda is in charge of treat giving. except, wendy doesn't seem to like the treats we bought her. another trip to the store is in order so we can find treats that are acceptable.

soo... one day when i figure out how to post a photo of wendy, i shall do so. until then... i'll fill you in on the daily adventures of matilda and her chatty kitten.

frustrations

2006-08-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

so a couple days ago, i had dinner with some very good friends while matilda hung out with her dad for a couple hours... the evening went fantastic for me (and i hope for matilda)... the pick up afterwards... well, here's a run down...

again, i leave wishing i had said something more than what i did say... matilda was more than ready to go with me, which was a pleasant surprise for me, and a not-so-pleasant surprise for HIM. he had to ask her for a hug and kiss bye. she sighed and went back to him, did the hug/kiss combo and scurried back towards my car. then he says, 'so tomorrow i'll meet you at 530pm.' i had a combination look of shock and disgust as i said, 'i thought you were picking up matilda tomorrow.' to which he says, 'well i get off at 4pm so i can meet you at 530pm.' i grumbled 'fine, whatever' and left. it wasn't until i was driving home that what he truly said hit me.

if he's OFF at 4pm, what's to prevent HIM from driving up after he's off to pick up his daughter? nothing but the lack of caring i think. so we drive home, matilda's calm and cool singing away to marc anthony and all of a sudden, i'm the only one singing. she is totally crashed. so when we finally get home, she climbs out of the car... now, i didn't notice this until it was too late.. but her left foot was asleep. i noticed her walking sideways almost and then i looked at her feet and the left one, well, was like folded up ... she was basically walking on the ankle part. now i wanted to carry her cause she was clearly freaked out by this experience, but i had my arms full of her backpack, lunchbox, her baby, stuffed lion, my purse and two sets of keys. my hands were clearly full.

i tried to make the situation funny for her and asked if her foot was tingling. my question was met with quite possibly the most evil look a 4 year old can give. i shook it off and hurried into the building. now we had two minor flights of stairs to battle. she did well, stumbling on occasion but she never asked me to pick her up. which i thought was very bold.

we get inside and she crawls right into bed, curls up and falls back asleep in the very same clothes she was wearing at HIM's house. old ratty shorts and a chinese food stained shirt. i didn't have the heart to battle her to get into her jammies. so i just let her sleep that way. no bath, no night clothes, no brushing of the teeth before bed. she was exhausted, i was feeling bad that i put her thru this, so we both drifted off to sleep together.

i don't know that i'm going to agree to another one of these 3 hour visits with HIM. if he can't get his schedule fixed for her, that's going to be his problem. her routine was messed up and she knew it, i knew it and neither of us liked it.

well when i got to work yesterday - i decided to email HIM and let him know i had an appt at 530 and i wasn't going to reschedule it. we need to meet earlier and closer to the city. i waited, waited and waited some more. finally at noon i decide to call HIM's office since i hadn't heard from HIM in 4 hours. the office mgr answers... we chat quickly and then she tells me that he wasn't at work today. wasn't. at. work. today. this from a man who didn't want to leave early to pick up his ONLY daughter from school... AFTER I DROVE HER TO HIS SORRY ASS SO HE COULD SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH HER. (which incidently, was chinese food dinner with his girlfriend. who i suspect was hidden inside the house when i went to pick up matilda, but i digress) soo.. the office mgr tells me he stayed home 'sick'. SICK. YOU THINK? yeah he's sick all right. in the head. so i call his cell phone. i could tell he was aggitated i called him at all during the day. it was about 130 i think. i tell HIM about my email request and that i need to meet him at 5pm so i can make my appt. (now, i had no appt but i had already gone out of my way yesterday, i wanted to go home early, veg out and hit the sack early too.) he sounded pissy but agreed. and yet AGAIN!!! after i hung up, i realized - this moron can leave at 3pm and make it to pick up matilda because he's at HOME. but he never offered that. never, not once. and i, like a big baffoon agree to meet him earlier than planned. why? why can't i think more on my feet? i never have been able to do that really well and now is when i need to.

well, anyway - i was cold as ice at the drop off yesterday. only acknowledged him to tell him i had a copy of the school fundraiser stuff in her backpack in case he wanted to help. i grabbed matilda's face, gave her mulitple kisses and told her 'hasta manana!' to which HIM rolled his eyes. jealous of course because i know more spanish than him. ;-) he tried to take her backpack from her and she barked, 'no that's mine!' loved that.

so, all in all, i guess she had a fun time with HIM last night. i'll find out today when i pick her up from school. i'm trying to realize that i owe him nothing and that the only connection we have is matilda. the problem with that is that i put matilda before anything else, even it means HIM will benefit somehow... i hope one day HIM can put matilda in the front of everything where she belongs.... only time will tell.

Highly Into Myself...

2006-08-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

yes, that's the meaning behind HIM's acronym. i knew one day i'd figure out what H.I.M. stood for and HIM actually gave me the idea. because, while i was oblivious to HIM's behavior during the marriage, i am all too aware of it now. almost as if now i'm on the outside looking in.

you see, HIM has a dilema. his work exceeds everything else on HIM's list of priorities, even outranking matilda. HIM is working one of the mornings he needs to get matilda to school. sooo in HIM's masterful mind, his solution, oh brilliant one, was to ask me if matilda could be late for school that day. could. matilda. be. late. for. school. which was the equivalent of asking me, 'say beck - you wanna get your feet run over by a semi?' ummm NO. i replied to HIM with the 'no, matilda can't be late for school...' which was met with the solution to spend a few hours with her after school and then she'll come home with me so I can take her to school the next morning... i have no problem in the world with this of course. my PROBLEM, however is that HIM had no intentions of even PICKING her up from school.

HIM casually says via e-mail because we both still can't speak to each other, 'so you meet me at 'x' location at 'x' time and then meet back again at 'x' time.' ummm again - i was floored. i replayed what HIM had just said and added, 'this makes no sense to me at all... you waste half you visit time in travel.' to which HIM said, 'well i could probably get to her school in 45 min - i get off work at 5pm...' this just infuriated me even more.... you see - HIM is taking extra shifts to help out... and it doesn't occur to HIM to ask his boss who is SO far up HIM's bootie, if he could leave work a little earlier so he could pick up his daughter. NOPE. NOT POSSIBLE.

the end result was me arranging to visit with my friends, thus taking matilda to HIM - which i don't want to do simply because HIM will benefit, but i do want to see my friends so i guess it works out okay. it still irritates me that HIM thought more of his job than his child. i know i can't fix that and i know i can't make him realize what he's doing is not right... but what can you do... i put matilda first and foremost and i hope one day she'll notice the difference.

blah, blah, blog

2006-08-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

okay so matilda is doing fine with the school thing. she still has the look of fear in her eyes, but each day we get better and better. tomorrow, HIM will take her to school so i've instructed HIM on our routine. (which technically was a GOOD thing, but i wish i had let HIM figure stuff out on his own) - live and learn right?

that being said... on to an update on ME! i cut my hair. it's now about an inch and a half above my shoulders and when i have enough time to flat iron my entire head of hair... it looks pretty darn groovy. flat, smooth and groovy. when i DON'T have the time, which is most often the case, I make it work for me by styling it a bit loose and touseled. i dono - it works for hollywood types.

i've got another girls' night out tomorrow night. another birthday party outing. this time, not much different from that last outing with the gals, we're going to a bar and then will 'hang out' at a club for the rest of the night. hmmmm see - doesn't sound like my cup of tea, but then again - what else am i gonna do? beats watching HGTV at my parent's house right? i get more stressed trying to figure out what to wear. maybe i'll don my cute and casual black dress and sandals. it's casual but with a basic black dress feel. plus, it shows off 'the girls' and that's usually a good thing.

last night i was sucked into the dramatic finale to 'so you think you can dance'. and i was actually rooting for one of the final two competitors. the one i liked won, so that was a good thing but i now question my tv sensibility. i watch the LAST episode? maybe that's the key to everything. they do recaps for an hour so you get to see the good stuff and see who wins - all in a 2 hour program. once it was over, matilda and i started reading a book we'd be TRYING to read for the last week... she fell asleep halfway thru it and i saw no point in finishing 'emily's first 100 days of school' without her.

so.... that's the most up to date events going on with me. tonight, i will be alone. to do what i want - which will be to clean. yes. matilda has decided to drag out EVERYTHING from her closet INTO the living room. quilts, baby clothes, dolls, old cell phones, games - you name it, it's in the living room. she did help me pick up some thing last night, but there's still more to do. tomorrow i'll vacuum. doesn't THAT sound fun!

school daze: day 4

2006-08-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

technically today was day number 4, however for matilda i'm sure she thinks it's only day 3... today is better. not great, but better. we made a deal. mommy would stay until her teacher comes to gather her students. when that happens, mommy goes to work and she goes with her teacher to the classroom. so far, it's okay.

today she had the big teary eyes and red nose - but no tears actually fell down and no more self inflicted vomit episodes either. (thankfully) she just looks scared still and nervous, but she knows she's safe with her teacher and she also knows mommy is coming to pick her up when she's done with work.

today is picture day so i'm crossing my fingers all goes well and she looks happy in her very first ever school picture. i'm so excited. i spent a small forture on the package but it will be well worth it. my matilda is adorable and looks so sweet in her little uniform dress.

soo - all is well so far. tomorrow it can only get better. right? RIGHT!

school daze: day 2

2006-08-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

okay so the first day of school was a complete success for matilda. i picked her up after school and she was all smiles, which really calmed my weary heart. the weekend was filled with school talk, teacher talk and lunch talk. so that really eased my weary mind. until today....

THE SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL... did NOT go quite as i had hoped... here's a run-down...
we got to the school a bit after 7am, walked inside and it started again, 10 times worse. she was crying. silent but very present crying. i walked into the room with her, they were watching finding nemo and i was sooo excited about that cause she had wanted to watch it this weekend but it wasn't on disney again. she didn't care today.

i walked over to the floor mat with her and sat her down in knelt beside her, which was tough cause of the crazy shoes AND my bad knees. =) so i'm squatting there and she hugs me... then she coughs. and i know what's next. and i was right. she made herself throw up. nothing but bile, but still. it's the simple fact that she's scared to death to the extreme point to induce vomitting. i felt awful... for her. i felt so horrible but i know school is the best thing. and i also know she's testing boundaries to see what she can get away with. 'if i puke, she won't make me stay.' well no, it doesn't work like that. and i know as soon as i leave, she'll be fine. she told me so on friday when i picked her up.

so i take her to the bathroom, she's still upset but she's out of the room and she's better. it's like it's that room. it wasn't her classroom it was another one. it was amazing to me how the other kids were so fine with it. they didn't care. there were two other ones with mothers velcroed to their sides. i watched as the moms tried to rip themselves away without inflicting pain and suffering on their offspring.

when matilda's teacher walked in i stood up and went to talk with her. told her she was having a bad morning and then I started to get upset. no, i didn't puke thankfully but i could have! i tried to fight back the tears so matilda wouldn't see me upset and as we talked, her teacher said that she knew how i felt, she has an 11 week old she leaves at daycare each morning. then SHE was upset. and as we both look at each other with red, watery eyes, she said, 'we'll both be crying moms together.' and i told her we had to be strong for the kiddos. and we both laughed. i did tell her that i think matilda is more calm when she sees her there. so i'm thinking a drop off at 730 is the thing. cause that's when she goes to pick up her kids from the morning early care thing.

so then she walked matilda and the other kids into her classroom and i slipped out the other door. it was a narrow escape and not an easy one, once i was on the road i was met with traffic, traffic and MORE traffic. i mean worse than what i was used to with my hour long commute. i make my way down the street only to be met with a fender / bender in the right lane - which means, it's closed so EVERYONE merged into the left lane. once we were past that it was smooth sailing.

sooo - i'm hoping tomorrow is better. tears i can deal with, not easily mind you, but i can deal with them.... the self inflicted vomitting, not-so-much. not a big fan of that activity... never have been. give me a bloody finger cut or a nasty bruise - just please no puke or, *shudder at the thought* snot. sooo not a fan of that. and i'm a mother of a 4 year old... imagine that. =)

the school thing gets easier right? RIGHT? please say it does cause i don't know that my heart can take another week of the crying thing. it's sooo painful because she doesn't understand the benefits to her right now... she only sees mommy leaving her someplace she doesn't want to be. help me explain it to her... advice from anyone is always appreciated. =)

firsts

2006-08-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

today was a first in many ways. matilda started school today. a BIG day for her. HUGE. we had a good dinner last night, i made her favorite meal. it was in fact, the first time she and i had been in our new home together in quite a while. so that was a big first for us together. and to tell you the truth, it was the first time it actually felt like home to me.

another first was when she fell asleep in my arms at 8:30pm. i had to slide my arm out from under her ever so carefully so as not to wake her up. she slept peacefully until 530am when i got up to shower. *note to self: don't close bedroom door all the way - it's LOUD!* she watched her favorite movie while mommy got ready for work, then it was her turn to get ready for her big day. she looked adorable and seemed very excited. until we got in the car. she got quiet. REALLY quiet.

we get to the school in record time which was nice and surprising. HIM said he was coming for the first day drop off so we waited for HIM's arrival. we all walked in together... i did shed a few tears when i was by myself in my car (still parked in the parking lot). matilda - shed more than me... which was the hardest part. she was all excited about everything - her clothes, seeing her little friend she met at the open house, seeing the other backpacks the kids were carrying... she was excited about it all. until we walked into the classroom. i walked in with her, i put her backpack in the cubby and put her extra outfit and lunchbox there as well. she was still doing fine. then it was time to get busy. that's when it happened. she grabbed HIM and refused to let go. i was a little mad cause if she were gonna latch on to anyone, i'd prefer it be me but whatever... anyway, i stood there rubbing her back and telling her how much fun she was going to have and how i couldn't wait to hear all about it. the other kids were already sitting in their spot so we were trying to get her over there with the others. i walked over there with her when she finally let HIM go...

she grabbed my thigh with BOTH arms and walked with me that way. she sat down on her name thingy and the teacher was talking to them about stuff and she turned toward the teacher and listened and then we sorta slid out the door. i poked my head in one last time before leaving to see how she was and she was still facing the teacher. the part that killed me was the outstretched arm towards me as i walked to the door. OMG that was painful.

i saw the admissions director as we were leaving and she asked how she did, i told her and then asked, 'you guys will call me if anything happens right?' 'OH YES OF COURSE! she'll be FINE don't worry - we're going to chapel now and that's always a nice way to begin the day. she'll be FINE!' *now you have to say that with a light british accent for it to sound right. =) *

sooo all in all it went well. as we were walking out, HIM and i chit-chatted a bit, i didn't really know what to say but the silence was awkward. it's hard to act aloof with someone you once slept with. i think he was looking at my butt when he was behind me. ;-) then we parted ways and said he'd call when she got out of school to see how her first day went, i said great and, i kid you not it sounded like he said 'love you'. now, i know he didn't... but it sounded like he did. you know how when a couple is out and are in two cars and you're going one way - he's going another and as you're both walking one shouts 'love you'... real quick like - well that's what it sounded like.

so i get into my car and i'm thinking - what did he just say? and i went over it again... 'did he say THAT?' noooo... must've been something else. HAD to be something else. THEN i started thinking - if he DID say that (which i know he did not) but if he DID, he must feel like an idiot. anyway - it was quite funny. to me only cause i know what was in my head. =)

all in all the morning was fine and it's almost 11am and no call from the school to tell me matilda has secluded herself in the bathroom and is refusing to come out. always a good day when you don't get THAT call.

so today after school... i'll pick up my parent's and we're ALL going to pick her up. then it's off to the store to pick out an 'i survived the first day of school' bath tub toy. i promised her one a while back so i figured today's as good a day as any to get it. plus it gave her something to think about for after school.

wonder if she'll get homework? =)

open house

2006-08-09T06:29:00.000-07:00

well last night marked the official beginning of matilda's scholastic career. her school held their open house for the elementary school kiddos. it was fantastic!

matilda was nervous at the beginning. my parent's went with us - to give her teacher the once over i think, HIM showed up even which was sort of refreshing. matilda sat with me most of the time and then switched around to other laps in the group. we listened to the prinicpal give his welcome to the new year speech, which was really nice. he made some jokes which were oddly funny - HIM never laughed once - he's evil.

then we met the teacher. she is young (younger than me i think), very nice and patient. i guess that's key when you're teaching 4 year olds. =) we went into her classroom and we listened to her explain how she teaches and what not. it was really a neat experience. matilda played at one of the tables with two other kiddos we met earlier. i was so happy to see her play with them. at least on the first day she'll recognize their faces. one little girl is so chatty and friendly, i really hope they sit near each other... unless of course she's TOO much of a chatterbox. i can't have matilda getting marks for talking too much. =)

all in all the evening was great. HIM couldn't have pretended to care less, which was a bit frustrating, but i finally realized what his problem was... i was calling the shots - not HIM. and HIM doesn't like that feeling. i was coridal. i introduced him to the admissions director and to the other people i knew but HIM couldn't have cared less. would've been nice to see him TRY to enjoy the experience, for matilda at least. oh well.... maybe one day.

the big day is friday - i have lots of things planned for my matilda to hopefully make the day go by smoother. i'll let you know how it goes.

trust

2006-08-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

i've discovered that i don't have much of this in my life right now. as a matter of fact, i'm not sure i ever did.

throughout my marriage, trust was something HIM never had in me. from the early stages in our relationship and up until the bitter end - he never had an ounce of trust in me. i noticed this early on but figured it was just his way of showing me that he cared about me... now i see the error in my thinking. when things got really bad, things got really bad. that's about the only way i can say it. i supported HIM in every endeavor he made, and believe me - there were many. yet, trust was something i couldn't find. or he couldn't find in me rather. and now, i'm struggling with finding trust in HIM.

a good friend recently told me that i needed to find a way to trust that HIM would be there to pick up matilda after school on time. you see, i've been battling things around in my head over matilda starting school and the big thing is the distance of the school in relation to HIM. i never gave this a second when selecting the school. this school was perfect in everyway for us. it is christian based, private, goes from pre-k thru high school and the uniforms are sorta cute. the location never crossed my mind. okay that's a lie, it did, but only because i knew he'd cry about it being far from him and 'how am i gonna pick her up and get her there when i have her?' well - that struck a cord with me because (again) i try to figure out how to ease HIM's burden, and at the same time, have a little benefit for myself.

i miss matilda when i don't see her. i call her each day and talk but it's not the same as seeing her. i figured i'd offer to meet at a halfway point to pick her up or drop her off with HIM after school. this would guarantee she'd be prepared for the day, dressed right and most importantly - i'd get to see her on days i normally would not. then i realized why this comforted me more than anything - it was because I would control the situation and wouldn't have to depend on HIM to do anything. that's it. plain and simple. i have no faith in HIM that he'll show up on time to pick her up each day. (apparently, it's the pick-ups that are HIM's problem, not the drop-offs).

what i envision on HIM's pick up day is me at home preparing my dinner while my sweet matilda is waiting for her daddy to pick her up. i can't do that. i just can't. if i'm 10 min from her - why can't i just go pick her up? a wise woman said to go and sit with her until he gets there but not to actually pick her up - a good idea but i don't know. i just don't know.

i need to get to a place where i can trust that HIM will put his child before anything else. and HIM has never done that. heck, i've never even been 1st place to HIM. not in 15 years and i expect my 4 year old to be 1st? she should be. she IS with me.

how do you trust a person who's main goal has been to better HIMself as opposed to being with his family? how can i find comfort in knowing that when she's with HIM she is what matters most? how will i know that HIM will make the effort to adjust his schedule to care for his daughter?

time will tell i guess. in the meantime, i'm just going to do what feels right for me - even if it does ease HIM's burden. matilda is the reason i do these things - and that's that.

now say a silent prayer that i survive the first day of school - which is this friday.

hiatus

2006-08-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

i know i've been a stranger to my own blog, but really, i'm a boring person. sure i've survived the world's most boring 'date' ( and i use that word VERY loosely), i've battled a massive infection accompanied by blinding backpain (still enduring that part) and i've recently lost a friend at a very unexpected moment in time.

the last few weeks have been difficult with yesterday being the toughest thus far. i had known his wife for most of my high school life, although we didn't become friends until after graduation. (funny how that happens - as close as lyn and i are now, we didn't know each other in school - weird.) but i worked with her as she planned, planned and planned their dream wedding. i remember her telling me she was going to take a xanax and watch dwayne wayne and whitley's wedding on a different world and if she could make it thru THAT without crying, she'd be okay at her own wedding. they had been together for longer than i can even remember and i got to hear the story of she won him over. stuff high school movies are made from.

i am so proud of her strength and her ability to smile even when she knows she can't. seeing her last night made me realize how much more growth i have to do for myself. i can't imagine what she's going thru and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

i got to visit with friends from high school, we gossiped and felt guilty about it the entire time but i honestly believe there is healing thru laughter. (even if it at some unsuspecting classmate's expense.)

another reason it was hard for me, and this is on a more personal / selfish note but i did grow from having gone thru this... is that this was the first event HIM and i have attended that we weren't attending as a couple. it was odd being in the same room with HIM and not even acknowledging each other. i know last night's event wasn't about us at all and i'm not making it into that, but what i gained from that was strength that i needed to get back. i faced many people who stood by him thru our divorce, supported him, shunning me - most of them took the high road and said 'hello', while others went out of their way to ignore me. it hurt, but i was touched by those who did speak to me.

what i realized about myself is that last night, for the first time ever, i stood on my own. without having to look for him and wonder who he was schmoozing while i entertained myself. i talked to people and reminisced with old friends. it was almost liberating.

my heart goes out to the incredible family who suffered this loss. they will live in my prayers forever.

much ado about nothing...

2006-07-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

well hello strangers... so sorry it's been so long since we last talked. to be honest, not much has happened. i'm adjusting to my new apartment nicely... the air conditioner situation continues to torment me, but i'm beginning to understand the workings of an older building AC unit. i think i am anyway.

i truly wish i had something super exciting to share, but sadly, i don't. i mainly just wanted to check in, get some thoughts down and move on to whatever this day will bring.

the trials of being a single woman in her 30's continues to give my friends ammunition to set me up with guys. case at hand, my good friend bre. she and i used to work together, she moved on and has made it her mission to hook me up with a guy she works with. he's 2 years younger than me, which isn't the direction i wanted to go into, but at this point - who am i to complain about that, right? so she sets up a little b-day party for herself, invites her closest friends, and this guy... now, she raved about how funny he was, how cute he was and how i just HAD to meet him. oh and how his car was so hot... cause THAT matters - and it does i think. guys SHOULD have hot cars, especially if they're zooming the chicks. which i think this guy does. on a regular basis.

so in walks mr. right now, and i instantly pick out the two things about his appearance that bother me. he has an overbite that is odd looking to me, and his eyes are farther 'out' than a normal set of eyes... granted they were the prettiest shade of blue i'd ever seen. i just couldn't get past these two things. then, after talking to him for a couple hours, i discovered that he waxes... his entire body!!! WTH? i get this news on a day that i opted to NOT shave my very own legs. i was feeling more and more unkept by the second. anyway - we talk about random things, he tells me details of his last relationship, asks me about my divorce - hitting the heavy subjects early on... then, at one point he says (and he was surely joking) he needs to take me to meet his mom in his hometown. he was joking. right? RIGHT? oh definently.

seriously, he was a nice guy... and i'm sure he'd be fun to go out with a time or two... but i'm looking for a man. not a guy. and i'm not sure he fits the bill for me. not now. and besides that... will someone PLEASE tell me what the protocol is for single folks these days. cause i have never dated. and when i say never - i literally mean ... N.E.V.E.R. i mean, what do guys expect.. kisses, hand-holding, sex? what? i have no idea. i know i'm not looking for love. that much i can tell you.

i'm honestly not looking for anything at the moment. and what scares me is that i'll agree to go out with him to spare his feelings. which is what i did when my ex-husband asked me out. and we all know how THAT relationship worked out for me. i'm not a bitch of a woman... i'm not a ruthless, cold hearted gal either. i don't know how to let men, or anyone for that matter, down easy. how do you tell someone that you like them, but you're just not interested in anything serious... because honestly - i think this guy is looking for something long-term... i'm definently not his girl.

i've got an idea of what type of man i want. i've already drawn up the plans in my mind, from what he looks like to the type of man he is inside. one day he'll find me or i'll find him and when that happens, we'll both know.

calgon... take me away...

2006-07-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

it's 1030pm. i've just won most of the world series of pop culture. i'm now drained mentally and physically. i, also, am tucked into my fantastic bed. then the phone rings. who in the WORLD is calling me ... NOW. one guess. no, not brad wanting a bootie call... not my dad to see if i made it home safe... it. was. HIM. here's how it went down...

me: very weak 'hello?'
HIM: it's me. lex won't take matilda. she's out of town with her family and is contemplating suicide over this. she got a letter from cps and it's a four year old little girl.
me: (thorougly pissed that he's calling now about this) 'IT. IS. NOT. ME!. i'm growing VERY tired of telling you this. YOU are the only person calling me about this. not the police. not cps. not lex. YOU. think about it - why would i keep her there if this went on. nothing makes sense. and i'll tell YOU something... if lex, and whoever else is involved, doesn't stop telling everyone that this is me... i'm going to call my attorney, and file a slander complaint. and if i find out something was WRITTEN, i'll file a libel complaint.'
HIM: well no one has called me either.
me: and you don't think THAT is odd?
HIM: well yeah, but i don't know what to think anymore. it's hard to believe you after how things ended. the police were called the house and i had to make a new life for myself and clear my name up in the city... it wasn't easy.
me: (i failed to see why this mattered AT ALL as we were talking about matilda's day care thing but i went with it for humor only) i'm making a new life for myself as well. it's what everyone does. and it seems you're getting along JUST fine what with a new roommate 2 months after the papers are filed. (yeah ... i said it)
HIM: i do not have a new roomate. (he said this as if here a child guitly of eating a cupcake before dinner)
me: i don't care what you do with your life now. what i'm telling you is this. i do NOT want matilda to be affected by this. i do NOT want her to be interviewed by anyone WITHOUT me present. i do NOT want to discuss this until someone produces something more substantial than, 'matilda fits the description.'
HIM: well i'm gonna call some friends with the pd and see what they can tell me.
me: (don't cha just LOVE the strings he can pull - it's like a game to him) they won't tell you anything but good luck.

that was it. i called mom and dad - i wanted to call my gal pal, lyn, but by this time it was already nearing 1130pm.. i called family protective services this morning... talked to a super nice woman who sounded so real and down to earth it made me so comfortable. basically no one will find out who the report filer is. it's not on record.. only a description of the child, what happened and when. the violation was filed on 6/13 according to the site with NO VIOLATIONS FOUND. i assume the letter that she's contimplating suicide over is the letter telling her no violations were found, but she may not live long enough to read it.

now i know that sounds horrible, but i have been thru so much DRAMA with this situation that i'm now becoming a bitter person about it. it's just plain craziness. in fact, SHE has the crazies. diagnosed i bet too.

anyway - i'm sorry if things said here upset people, but i had to get this out. i have lost far too much sleep over this to worry anymore. it's not healthy. and it's just not worth it. i sometimes feel like HIM is trying to corner me into admitting something that isn't true... he tried that once before - it backfired then, as it will now. i constantly worry that HIM will try something to fight for full custody of my precious matilda. i couldn't stand the thought of life without her. not having her. i'm a good mother. not the best, but dammit i try to be. i refuse to let him manipulate me anymore. i'm not backing down... i'm not going to let him push those buttons only HE knows how to push. it's over. WE are over. i'm done.

i guess i feel like someone filed this under my name. i guess it could happen. it's like a law and order: svu thing. wonder when benson will come and gather evidence?

anyway - thank you for letting me vent. i feel better.

mercury rising

2006-07-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

and i ain't just talkin about the movie... i've never even seen it... but i digress. what i'm talking about is HEAT. OMG the HEAT. here's what happened...

matilda wanted to spend the night at my parents... not a problem, except that i didn't want to be away from her so i stayed too. the plan was to wake up at like 530am, drive to my place, get ready for work and then, well go to work. and that's what i did. in that order. what i WASN'T prepared for was the HEAT.

i enter my building and realized quickly it was hotter than usual. being the ever-present optimist (as if) i thought, 'it's probably just the corridors that are so stuff, there's no air vents.' i went with that as long as i could. well, at least until i got INSIDE my apartment. i swear to you...i thought i saw those little ladies on that orbit gum commercial. you know the one where snoop dog goes to Haites? yeah - it was THAT hot. =)

so i go over to the thermostat and it's on a toasty 80 degrees. yes folks, EIGHTY degrees. i still think there's something odd going on, but am convinced it's a fluke. i turn the dial down to below 70 and kick the fan on high... nothing happens. by this time it's close to 6am and i haven't even started to get ready. i hop in a nice cool shower - which was quite refreshing by the way. now, puting on make up in the heat was no fun... don't even get me started on drying my hair. it just plain torture.

anyway - the apartment folks said there was a problem with the AC in the building.. YOU THINK! so they assured me it would be fixed 'later today'. i tell you what - after all the AC issues i've had there, i'm wondering what's going on. i chalked it up to not understanding the controls on the very retro unit, but i think now it was the unit itself and not a simple operator error. say a silent prayer that it's cooler when i get there tonight.

uniformed attire

2006-07-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

as matilda and i venture into unknown territory - being private schooling - we embarked on a brand new adventure today. uniform shopping.

i dreaded everything about it. i dreaded the expression on matilda's face as she saw the boring clothes she was about to don for many years to come; i dreaded the poutiness i was certain to endure when trying to get the REQUIRED DRESS onto her 'i don't like dresses mommy' body; i dreaded the amount i was going to be faced with paying at the end of our shopping fun.. all in all - i dreaded everything pretty much. until we got there.

my dad came with us, because he's a nut about uniforms and was so excited to learn matilda would be wearing them. i wore school uniforms back in the 3rd grade - private catholic school - can you imagine! so when we found out about the 'dress code' at matilda's school... he was THRILLED to say the least.

we walk in and she was sooo excited. we got the list of her required things and gave her sizes and waited while everything was brought to us... then we tried each item on. it was the most fun i've had in ages... and the same for matilda i think. my dad was beaming as his granddaughter donned the blue plaid jumper dress with peter pan collar. she did look adorable. in fact i wish school would start so i could see her in this stuff.

she picked out a headband. MY child.. who doesn't ever like things in her hair... picked out a headband to match her dress. AND let me pick out another one in a different color she could pick different ones for different days. it was wild. how very wrong i was.

oh and the icing on the cake... the jumper dress is available for her build-a-bear. so naturally we ordered one. she was upset that they didn't have it in stock, but i explained to her that all the other bears wanted it and so they ran out but would make her one special. it'll be mailed to us in a couple weeks... she'll have a package to open up later... that'll be fun.

the damage done to my bank account: not too shabby... a tad over 200 bucks. i got 2 navy shorts, 3 golf shirts with school logo, 1 white peter pan collared shirt, 1 plaid jumper dress, 1 pair of plaid skorts, 1 pair of too-cute ruffle socks and 2 headbands. oh and the bear's dress. i had expected to spend over 350 bucks so i was elated when she announced the grand total. i'll go back in the fall for pants but for now.. we are set.

it was a fantastic outing. made ME want to buy something. unfortunately even the headbands were too small for my adult head. oh well maybe a scrunchi in the plaid pattern. =)

back into the land of the living...

2006-07-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

... or so i think anyway. i was on a little va-cay with matilda and my family... had a weeklong visit from my west virginian aunt and her 12 year old daughter, whom matilda took to very well. i've never seen her so excited to have someone sit beside her on road trips. kinda made me jealous. =)

we spent the week at the beach - except mother nature failed to mention to ANY of us her plans for a horrendous downpour. yeah, rain ... every... day. well except for maybe 4 hours on the 4th. but the fireworks were cancelled and i ended up watching some on tv - see, while everyone else was down at the pool, yours truly got a bug from some unknown source and spent the remainder of the evening alone in the room. what fun! what. fun.

in other breaking news... i MOVED! omg - now to those of you who know me... you know this was a long time coming, but let me just say to you new folks out there... my old commute to work (and to my parents) was about 50 miles ONE. WAY. now - 15 minutes tops... less even to my parent's... which is good AND bad at the same time. =) but i'm very happy. i have a 2006 vehicle with 18000 plus miles on it. THAT in itself is depressing. but that's all about to change my friends. you see, this morning - i left my house at 641am... and arrived at my office at 654am. EUREKA! so THIS is what's it's like to live close to work. not to mention i live nextdoor to a hobby lobby AND a target. AND a bed, bath and beyond! i think i could possibly be in heaven so if i see St. Peter, i'll let you know.

matilda has yet to sleep in her new bed. but she and i have talked about it and it was decided, by me more than her, that when school starts, she'll sleep in her bed. it'll be a gradual process for us. but it's time. it. is. time.

my place is fabulous. i couldn't be happier. i think the thing that would make it better if i were somehow able to scoop up my closest friends and place them near me so i wouldn't have to travel so far to get to see them. but you know what.. distance doesn't matter. i would drive 100 miles to laugh with my gal pals. there is nothing better than being silly (and gossiping) with your friends no matter how long it takes you to get to them.

school days...

2006-06-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

so yesterday i had my 'final interview' with matilda's school. i found it funny they use the word 'interview' when talking about visiting with ME... a customer. it's almost like they are interviewing me to see if they want ME to be a part of the school community. it's actually nothing like that at all. in fact - i love this place.

i wanted so badly to find a school that has a close knit atmosphere and i found it. i met with the principal, who looks alot like kurt browning the ice skater, and who is probably my age, if not younger - scary as that may be... i called him 'mr. so and so'... MR. after i said it i shuddered at the thought of addressing a youngster 'mr.' but he is in a position of authority. i secretly hoped it made him shudder as well. *evil laugh*

i also met with the admission director. she went over matilda's test in more detail and talked with me about the results. in particular she told me that matilda scored at the 6 year old level for alphabet identification. she went on to say that most kids matilda's age confuse 'z' and 'n' or 'w' and 'm'... see, 'w' is matilda's favorite letter. i say that only because when we'd do alphabet stuff, when we'd get to 'w' she'd shout...'DOUBLE YOU!!' it was cute. no way on earth she'd miss that letter. =) i was so proud of her. knowing all her letters at 4 1/2. she does need to do some work on prepositions apparently, but we can start working on that together.

there's also a summer reading program that i want to do. i can read to her and if we read all 12 books, she gets to attend a party hosted by the school's librarian. i need to get a library card - **mental note to search local libraries...**

anyway... *side note: i'm listening to xm radio... why did someone let paris hilton sing? now, granted it's not horrible... not really - but i don't for one second believe that is truly her voice. i assume it's been 'affected' by numerous machines, voice airbrushing stuff. sadly though, i will be singing this dreaded song for the rest of the day.* help me.

the price of vanity

2006-06-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

i'm not a vain person but i have discovered i like to pamper myself... part of the deal i made myself when i burst onto the single life scene, was to do something for myself once a week... that was a new year's resolution that sorta faded away, but i brought it back to life when i discovered pedicures and manicures...

well, i had solar nails 'installed' (for lack of a better word) and decided last night - it was time to remove them. my typing at work became more difficult with the claws and let's not forget the pain of pinching my eyeball when removing my contacts. i actually saw a red pinch mark line beneath my iris the other day. not good.

so i go to the nail place - and tell them i want them removed. after listening to them try and convince me, 'i make them much nicer than before.' 'you keep them and i make shorter for you.' no no NO. i want them gone gone GONE. they caved and took them off... but not before i had my eyebrows shaped.

why oh why did i agree to the wax. last time they plucked them. this was much nice. sure the wax takes it all off in one swift pull, but while you're left with a nicely shaped arch, you've got tiny bumps to deal with. (if anyone knows a secret to getting rid of these things, please let me know... PLEASE??) so my brows are bumpy but shapely arches, nail time...

this place is all about timing. i got a girl at my feet doing my pedicure and one doing my manicure. now, since the nails need to be removed - it was more like a quest for nail freedom.

first, i soaked my fingers in nail polish remover. nice and drying for the skin... after that was finished, she gets this device, that resembled a plier but smaller, and began pushing my real nail down in order to move the solar nail stuff up. this hurt like nothing before. then it came time to introduce my nailbed to the pliers. they didn't get along so well. in fact - THIS hurt worse than the waxing AND the pushing combined. after about 20 minutes all 10 nails were free of the solar nail stuff and naked. and brittle. and soft. my once strong nails are like paper now.

i'm hoping in a couple weeks, they'll be stronger ( a bit anyway ) and she'll be able to file them into some sort of shape. right now, they're nubs. they are shells of the nails they once were. i regretted taking off the nails when i left the salon. but later that evening, when i was removing my contact, i rejoiced in the speediness with which i can now do this simple task. it was a good decision. a painful one, but a good one nonetheless.

oh and my toes are GORGEOUS! nothing says summer like a nice french pedicure. (complete with a tiny flower in the center of your big toe. =)

mama drama take 2

2006-06-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

okay you remember the drama i blogged earlier about lex hanging up on me twice and me freaking out as to why... well a week ago - while HIM, matilda and the girlfriend and her daughter were whooping it up disney style, i get the following call... from HIM no less.

me: hello?
HIM: lex got visited by CPS today because a single mother alleged her daughter was touched inappropriately by lex's son... was it you?
(yeah, no hello, hey it's me.. just this rambled question.)
me: what?! no... what?
HIM: repeat previous statement adding brief description of allegation with ages, dates and specifics... ending with 'they think it was you.'
me: NO IT WAS NOT ME!
HIM: well they think it was. CPS pulled all the kids and talked to them, talked to the parent's, they had to leave work to pick up they're kids, lex is all upset, she could lose her kids.
me: it was NOT me. don't you think i'd call you? i called you when she got mad at me... does this have to do with the other day? I haven't spoken to her since then.
HIM: well that's why they think it's you. cause you all ended on bad terms.
me: it was HER TERMS! i didn't end it - lex did! it was not me. i don't even think YOU believe me.
HIM: i do. (he didn't i could tell.)

anyway - we ended things by him saying he'd call lex's house and tell her it wasn't me - can you believe this.... omg - i was so mad. still am and it's been about a week since this went down. anyway - an hour passes and i decide to call him back to see if he found out anything.

me: hey, did you talk to lex?
HIM: no, but i talked to her husband. i told him it wasn't you.
me: i can't believe i'm being profiled because i live in the same city as the accuser. it was not me. do you think i'd leave matilda there for a year if it was me? i wasn't a single mother last year and i certainly didn't live where i live now to file it here.
HIM: yeah i know. lex is on her way to another parent's house who they think it might also be.

as we hung up i'm thinking - there are two people they THINK it might be? anyway - the transcript is the short version cause i don't wanna bore with all of it. this is the basics. i've been slandered all over my old stomping ground by an insane woman who thinks i'm the lowest of the low, a person who would make a totally false accusation on a CHILD just because his mother hung up on me ... twice. i have NEVER. i was shocked - still am in fact.

lyn has coached me on this situation and i'm following her advice like i always do. it's good to have friends who think rationally when you can't. and to be honest - i seldom think rationally. lyn can vouch for me on that one. =)

anyway - i did check the daycare registration site and no such allegation has been logged. so i'm not sure if that means, it's not up for public viewing or it didn't really happen - or if it means anything at all. at any rate - it's not there. not yet anyway.

me time

2006-06-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

matilda has been with her dad for the past week and will be with him this week too. it's part of his summer visit hooplah. so what did he plan for his time with his daughter... why he took her to disneyland! yeah. you heard me... disney. land. yes i'm bitter.

you see this was the vacation i always wanted to take. of course i wanted to fly there, not drive like they did, but this was MY dream vacation. he never wanted to go of course... always wanted to do the florida thing with his work friends - you know, rent a house, drive to florida and hang by the beach for a week. fun - but it's no disneyland. disneyland is the happiest place on earth! why the magic kingdom is sacred. it's matild's first time there and he knows it - and HE got to see her all excited. my only calming sense is knowing her 4 year old mind won't remember this 2 or 3 years from now, so i'll take her when she's older and it will stick with her forever.

they didn't go alone either folks. oh no... they went with his girlfriend and HER daughter. let me clarify ... his LIVE-IN girlfriend. yeap. see i didn't know she moved in until a recent chat with my gal pal lyn (who has all the dish, thank GOODNESS). anywho... yeah - she moved in.
wanna know how i found out.. well i'll tell you how i found out...

lyn and i are chatting the day i dropped matilda off at her dad's... i cried as i drove away - he never saw me of course, but i sobbed on my drive back to lyn's. anyway... she asked me if i was okay and i was, asked if i was okay about the trip... i was - for matilda - i know she'll have fun.. i said that i was a little concerned about sleeping arrangements. here's when i found out.. lyn looked at me - with a serious look and said, 'well she's LIVING there what do YOU think?'. i said, 'what?'. yeah... apparently the gossip mill (ie my old neighbor) spilled the beans to reliable sources which got to lyn and then got to me. i can't say i'm surprised... but i am. i wonder about this woman and how she treats my child. does matilda have to compete with her daughter? where is matilda and her daughter sleeping? where is this woman sleeping? i feel sorry for her in that sense, but i digress.

do i have the right to ask to meet her? i mean, she IS spending most of my child's time with her father (did that make sense at all?) i just wonder if i should ask to meet her. just to say hello and size her up. for matilda's sake. yes for mine too. i need to see what she looks like. to see if he traded up so to speak. she's probably some legging blonde. i'm neither leggy nor blonde - quite the opposite in fact. oh well - he's her problem now i guess.

anyway - my me time hasn't been too eventful. well - i did have an intersting conversation with HIM, which i'll post in another blog entry. trust me - this one is long enough for a novel i think...

i've started moving some small things into our new place. i dropped a box on the floor and was certain mr. heckles would come hobbling up to yell at me again, but he didn't. thank goodness. i figure his damn tv is so loud, i've at least got something to bargain with. =)

anyway - i see matilda again on monday - i can't wait. i've talked to her a few times since they left and i plan to call tonight again to say hello and find out about her adventures. wish i had an adventure of my own to share, but sadly i do not. perhaps i'll create one before i pick her up. i'll have to work on that one.

movin' on up...

2006-06-14T13:56:00.000-07:00

to a deluxe apartment on the second floor... ABOVE A MEAN OLD MAN!!!

seriously, the first day we get the keys, the parents, matilda and i go to check out our new digs... we get in there - wide open spaces from side to side... matilda goes nuts. running around - having fun... my mom joins in while my dad and i go to check my mailbox - just junk really but it's mail nonetheless.

anyway - we're all up there sitting around and i get a knock at the door. now, everyone who knows where i live is sitting next to me so i'm a little nervous as to who it could be... it's mr. heckles. i really don't know his name (don't care to) but if you watched 'friends' and i'm betting you did, you know who mr. heckles is.

he proceeds to tell me, the SECOND the door is open, how loud the 'banging' was. how horrible the 'herd of elephants' were and how 'his tv was jumping so it was pretty bad.' i apologized and told him that my daughter was just excited to be in her new home and was running around... he continued on and on. i finally apologized one more time and then shut the door. can you imagine that. now i love old folks. i worked in a retirement community for 3 years and loved every second i was there... i get along well with everyone - but this guy was just mad at the world and i was his outlet. i'm not taking that... not from a grumpy old mr. heckles.

i called the apt office the next morning to let them know my version before mr. heckles had a chance to tell them i had hell's angels over for a romp, which interrupted his lawrence welk viewing.... she told me to not give it a second thought and that she's 'well aware of him.' a bad seed i'm guessing. lucky me...

mothers... UNITE!!

2006-06-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

okay - so there are somethings i've been thinking about and i really feel if i were to spread the word... perhaps something could really happen.

why not make liposuction MANDATORY with all childbirth deliveries. come on ladies... i can't possibly be the ONLY mother on earth who loathes shopping for the ULTIMATE pair of jeans or, *gasp* a bathing suit... anyway... yes, i feel strongly about this. it's not merely a cosmetic procedure - okay well maybe it is. but i'm sure we can find SOME sort of justification to get this done...

now - for moms of c-sections... i speak from personal experience, mind you... with each c-section, not only do i suggest mandatory liposuction but also, a tummy tuck. how many of you c-section moms out there love to see you fantastic scar grinning up at you as you slide into your clothes each morning? anyone? didn't think so. not only are we reminded of our motherhood-dom each time we hear, 'MOMMM come check out this cool bug..' or 'MOMMM come kill this creepy bug!', we're also reminded by a scar AND a nice little 'pocket' of dead tissue that will never go away. NEVER. GO. A. WAY. I have done crunches til i can no longer lift my head, i've done push ups til i can no longer push UP, hand weights, stair climbing... adjusted my eating habits yet i'm still destined to have a kangaroo belly with an eyebrow.

i just hope the next man i find can look past this eyesore and into my soul to see how truly perfect i am. ;-)

mama drama

2006-06-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

i know we all have dramatic moments in our lives of being a mom, that's expected... but what i'm about to vent about could take a while...walk with me will you...

matilda has been in a private in-home daycare program since she was about 6 months old. the caregiver, i'll call her 'lex' to protect her identify although it's not necessary, has been fairly reliable however within the last several months she's had a number of 'issues' leaving me, along with 6 other moms, without childcare.

i realize sons get sick, daughters have court dates because they're a troubled youth, i realize cats die and time off is expected. i realize that adults get sick and that a simple sniffle and scratchy throat constitutes strep and/or pneumonia and an immediate trip to the physician is required... i get that. bigtime. but it's just me. i have no husband who can say, 'sure dear, i'll pick up matilda so you can stay at work thru 4pm.' nope - i have to leave work an hour before she needs me to so i can get there in time.

last week she was showing signs of wigging out on me so i began to prepare myself. sure enough i get a call at 9am on tuesday asking if i can be there at 230p so she can go to see her doctor. knowing full well i couldn't say 'um no i have a full time job that i need to be HERE to do.' i said okay. which means i leave here at 130 to be THERE by the 'agreed upon' 230 time.

now, when i got there, she was speaking with another mom on the phone, didn't really acknowledge i was there... i greet matilda, gather her bag and ask lex to call me to let me know how she's doing after her appointment. at 415 i got the call, and the news (which i already knew) saying she wasn't taking kids the next day. now, keep in mind folks i pay her - i get recepits - she claims the money on her income tax - she's licensed. she's not a friend doing me a favor. so essentially, i'm her employer and she's 'calling in sick'. except she's my ONLY employee and i've got no one to delegate her 'duties' to... so i make arrangements with HIM for an early morning drop off since the next day was his day... fine and dandy.

cut to yesterday. i've been burned once before assuming she was well after a few days off and would be back 'at work' monday morning - only to call sunday evening to find out, no she wasn't. so yesterday i called her BEFORE i left my parents house (no sense in driving an hour home for no reason). i called her cell first... left a message checking to see how she was and if she'd be working tomorrow. i then called the house thinking maybe her phone was off. she answered and gave a curt 'hello.' i gave her my normal chipper greeting, asked how she was feeling which was met with a VERY flat, 'i'm okay.' some silly banter was exchanged and then i asked the big question...'do you think you'll be able to work tomorrow?' you would have thought i asked if she could loan me a million dollars...'um no, i don't think i'll be working tomorrow.' click. yeah - hung up on me. so i waited a second.. shook myself out of my shock and called back. she answered again. i said, 'hi it's me i guess my phone must have cut me out. sorry. i understand you'll be not working tomorrow but i'd like to iron out my week' she cuts me off, 'what do you mean 'iron out your week?.' i said as calmly as i could, 'well i need to make sure that i have someone to take care of matilda while i work.' again an interruption, 'yeah, well i'm sorry i'm such an INCONVENIENCE to you.' i, shocked as all hell, began to scramble for the right words... i said, 'um, lex this beck, i'm not sure where this is coming from.' her: 'well i think you're being very rude to me.' me: 'me being rude?' her: 'yeah.' me: 'i'm sorry you think that, i just thought i should call you ahead of time instead of showing up at 6am to then find out you weren't able to work.' her: 'well thanks for being so thoughtful.' click. to paint an even more elaborate picture, my voice was shaking because i couldn't believe the things i was hearing. i was hurt, shocked and for some reason, afraid... it showed in my voice and she was as calm as a hanibal lector before slashing those guards to death. i kid you not.

now i ask you - what the HELL was that? i shed a few tears over the pure drama of it all and the fact that i need to go to work, i didn't want to burden my parents by asking if they could watch matilda for me and for being stupid enough to think that it mattered what this nutjob thought or said to me.

i called HIM to give him an update, telling him i wasn't taking matilda back there and he would need to find someone to keep her during his summer visits. i've always thought she was a little 'off' but she was so great with the kids and very alert about their well-being. but yesterday, i can honestly say that i have NO idea who that woman on the phone was. it was surreal almost. i've spoken to this woman everyday since matilda was an infant... and yet, yesterday - she was a stranger.

so i have no idea what happened, what i did (nothing that i know of) or what will happen. i plan to send her a check for last week and include and 'official' letter terminating the services. i won't use language quite that harsh, but that'll be the jist of it.

i tell you what - it's crazy. i'm sorta glad she doesn't know where i'm moving to - cause the woman on the phone yesterday would probably hunt me down.

music...

2006-06-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

*disclaimer: the blog below has been updated with song lyric links that actually WORK.* =)

...makes the people... come together... okay i never really liked that song much but it is true.

i have come to find that i adore music. all kinds. i think it'll make a basis to a great date greeting or pick up line one day. as if.

i own one the of the greatest creations known to man... the ipod shuffle... and i have to say - i have definently identified with life thru music.

for example...

'i could not ask for more' by edwin mccain (or sara evans for you country fans) is the song i want my future boyfriend / husband / lover to dedicate to me one day.

'i will survive' by gloria 'get down' gaynor is the anthem for all women (i think anyway).

'last dance' by donna 'disco' summer is my ultimate kareoke song choice.. should i ever be drunk enough at a bar to sing to strangers - this would be the song i choose.

'true' by ryan cabrerra (yes, kinda teeny music but trust me - beautiful song) is a song that i would like to play for my future boyfriend / husband / lover.

'single' by natasha bedingfield... she must be like in my head cause her songs 'unwritten' was the first one... and now this one - totally me.

there are so many others out there but i've wasted enough of your time with these.

enjoy music - and create a soundtrack for YOUR life.

birthday girl

2006-06-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

happy birthday to me (i can't believe i'm 34)
happy birthday to me (isn't that like, middle aged)
happy birthday to MEEEE (take away the grey hairs)
happy birthday to me (why do my eyes look tired)

yes indeed - today is my birthday. 34 years old. thirty four. no, not 24, THIRTY FOUR. good gracious - soon i'll be moving into another age bracket on those survey things. you know how they have the ages grouped 18 - 24; 25 - 34; 35 - 40.... i hate that. it's all about profiling. =)

today has been a nice day. it's been a nice year actually. well, i mean despite the divorce, moving to a new place (which i'm getting ready to do), finding a school for matlida (which is stressful for me more than her) and all the while trying to find out who i really am. that doesn't sound like a hard thing to does it? trust me - it is.

i've spent most of my adult life pleasing other people. my parents, my then husband, my child... never me though. it's all because i seek acceptance and approval. i've identified that even now. it's like i need someone to tell me it's okay for me to get the dining room table i want. i can't just accept the fact that i like it, i want it, i can afford it... nope - i need one other person to say it's okay to get it. why is that? and more importantly, how do i stop from doing it?

who knows really. right? i mean, i guess i could just look at it from a 'wanting other's opinions' standpoint. oh and to make matters a bit worse on the subject... i find out today that i have to notify HIM, the county clerk AND the state of my pending relocation... 37 miles from where i am currently residing. i understand this is all part of the deal, but good gracious - it's like i need permission to relocate almost.

i found out my name change didn't get included in the final decree. so now, i have to do some prolunk funk thing with my attorney, file it and send it to HIM - as if HE'S going to sign off on it... which all equals more attorney's fees for me. something i was MORE than happy to have no more of.

anyway - i digress. i'm just rambling. a good friend of mine is in dire straits with some private things. i care so much for her and i don't know how to help her thru the tough times. i know she knows i'm here (and if you happen to be reading this, you're reminded again) but sometimes i feel like i don't enough for her. she's been with me thru all my drama and i kinda feel like i'm just a goofball who tries to make her laugh when she's down... but i don't seem to show my ability to just listen. sometimes that's all people want. they don't want solutions, don't want suggestions... just someone to listen to them.... to HEAR them and understand and/or acknowledge.... well i can do that. i WANT to do that. i WILL do that. just let me know when and where.

i think i'm in a little funk myself. i shouldn't be, but i'm filled with self doubt for some reason. i'm hoping it's just growing pains. ;-)

'burnt toast'

2006-06-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

yes, i read it. teri hatcher's new book... i read a bit on it in a recent 'people' magazine and was intrigued by what she said. 'burnt toast'.. do you eat it? scrape off the burnt and try to make it better? smother it with jam to hide the bad taste? the message was simple yet profound (for me anyway)... by eating burnt toast it's like putting myself second. i don't deserve things that taste good. and i did that. most all of my life. not only did i eat burnt toast, i WAS burnt toast. well after reading that book - i'm making small steps towards putting myself first (except of course where matilda is concerned - she's first all the time)... but even then... i go back to what a wise friend once told me when i was going thru alot of serious drama... 'matilda will only be okay when she sees that her mommy is okay.' or something like that anyway. and it's true. it's so very true.

i've often wondered what matilda must think of me in terms of emotions... because i've tried so hard to not cry when i'm stressed, upset or hurting (emotionally). I did cry when elliot was sent home on american idol and she acted as though she had no idea what i was doing. that sent a message to me right away. she NEEDS to see me go thru emotions more often. i just hid that side because i thought i was doing her a better service by no letting her see me upset.. but in reality - i think i did more harm than good. she needs to know that when times are tough - it's okay to cry and learn and become stronger from whatever experience brought those feelings to you. and i'm working on that.

'burnt toast' made me feel like a normal women. i identified with most everything she said in the book... both divorced, close in age (she's older, tho not by much), single by choice and mothering young daughters. the book was filled with witty takes on most every situation you can think of and it made it fun to read.

i've learned that i'm the one suffering by not taking time out for myself. a good example is not using my favorite body cream in the mornings because i'm in a hurry... what hell could break loose in the 3 minutes it takes to do that simple, yet fufilling task? none - that's for sure. so now i make it a point to take those 3 minutes whether i have them to spare or not... (i'm still working on that actually.)

one thing that absolutely cracked me up was a part near the end of the book where she's talking about having control over your actions... she told a st0ry about how she always wondered what would happen if, when she turned on the garbage disposal with her left hand, her right hand took control over her brain and shoved itself into the running disposal... now - it's kinda gross to think of but I have thought that very same thing! what would happen? I'VE DONE THAT... well not literally (i've never actually shoved my hand down a running disposal) but the thought of doing it...oh yeah. and why - i have no idea but teri hatcher has thought about it too so apparently, if i'm twisted - well so is she... =)

kid smarts

2006-05-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

so it's time that matilda gets used to the idea of being in school. i found a school that i was pleased with, a private school where she'll learn the fundamentals and will be able to continue her educational career at this school thru high school graduation.

today was the admission assessment. i was nervous because i know how shy she can become especially when there's someone new involved. well - my nervousness was right on. she clung to me like glue to a post it note and as much as i wanted to be invisible during the assessment, i found myself sitting right beside her thru it all.

she did so well. i was very impressed with how well she did. not that i doubted her abilities for one second but you know how things get when shyness prevails. anyway... there came a point where she was asked to complete a picture. it was of a boy who was missing some key parts. she was to draw the parts that were missing.. thankfully she didn't draw a private part...OMG that would have been funny. she drew the missing leg, the missing arm, gave him two eyes and something that looked like an ear. when she was finished she was asked, 'how do you think he feels?' she took a second and said, 'happy.' now, looking at this 'boy' ...'happy' wouldn't have come to my mind... in fact, i would have said 'ah, demented.' =) but 'happy' it was. she was then asked 'why do you think he's happy?' matilda paused for a second again and then said, 'because he's finished.'

can you believe that. i'm 34 years old and would have never said that. i was never more proud of her. very smart answer i think. she continued to do well thru the rest of the assessment. they tossed a bean bag for a bit and matilda clocked the teacher in the eye once with her overhand throw. hopefully she won't bruise. ;-)

i'll know later this week where she placed. i'm holding strong with pre-k 4, which is where she should be. i'll let you know!

mothers day 2006

2006-05-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

happy mom's day to mother's everywhere.

i actually never thought of myself as being a mom. it was something that scared me to the core of my being. me - caring for someone other than myself. impossible! when people would ask us (me and my then husband) 'when are you going to have a baby?' i would look at them as if to say, 'please!' that just wasn't something i ever wanted.

as a child, my mom tells me that i never played with babydolls, just barbie. i remember having about each and every barbie ever created too. my how SHE'S changed. but i never really played house. so having a real baby didn't really appeal to me. until it happened... or didn't happen i should say. =)

i remember the day i found out i was pregnant. i was scared to death and to this day only one other person knows about my true fears i conquered that day. when i found out i was 'with child' i would have done anything to make it not true. anything. i talked with my doctor who was very supportive and talked to me about options... and scheduled me for an ultrasound the very next day.

my best friend went with me and when i heard the heartbeat and saw the little peanut in my belly it was over. it was at that moment that i knew i was ready. all the fears i had about being a mom vanished. i was already becoming someone's mom. (then i started to feel REALLY bad about having those drinks a few nights before...)

i've tried to be the best mom i know how to be, but this is my first time around so i'm still learning quite a bit. i've learned that nothing can come close to seeing your child smile when she's successfully turned the light on in the bathroom or seeing her gleam with pride about the freshly changed toilet paper roll in the bathroom...(this one still makes me nervous though) =)

and yesterday, on the day to honor mom's everywhere, seeing the joy she had when i opened the card she colored herself and confidently announced that she picked the card AND the colors herself - well that's about as good as it gets. well, not until she picks 'wild flowers' on the way to breakfast.. that ranks up there pretty high too.

i know i'm far from being the best mom on the planet and i know i still have alot of things to do better at with matilda... but for now - i'm doing what i think is best. i'm learning to accept the fact that she's a 4 year old who likes to get dirty and touch things when she probably shouldn't and who's gonna spill things on the carpet... i'm struggling with letting these things that sorta bug me go. it's not easy, but life is too short to sweat the small stuff. i've read that phrase alot and it is so true.

so from here on out, i'm focusing on patience (or lack thereof) and i'm going to continue to be the best mom i can be to my sweet little matilda.

happy mother's day (a day later, but still)...

wisdom gained in the past 72 hours

2006-05-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

1) the run-into-my-arms-and-hold-on-tight-hug from matilda is by far the best thing on the planet.

2) maybe i WASN'T ready to trim my hair.

3) speaking of hair... it's time to color it.

4) never leave a bottle of kid's shampoo in the bathtub WHILE they're in the tub.

5) excessive amounts of kid's shampoo = slippery tub.

6) the new tab energy drink ads piss me off. don't get me started.

7) the coconut creme coffee creamer is pretty darn tasty... with coffee or without. =)

girls nite out

2006-05-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

there's something to be said about the party girl attitude and the first thing to say is that - it. is. not. me.

nope - i've said it once, and i'll say it again - not my cup of tea. here's the skinny on my night out with the gals...

it was a work friend's sister's birthday. yes - didn't even know who the birthday girl was except to say that she was the sister of a my work friend. and not even a CLOSE work friend mind you. but i had gone out with this work friend's friend before. (another work friend.) i can see names are going to come in handy so i'll break it down... work friends are 'j' and 'k' and birthday girl is 'j2'. there are other girls involved but i don't think names are necessary....

so i go to k's house, it's the said meeting point, which by the way, is in a most ghetto fabulous location. the pad itself is sweet but the neighborhood it's in - not so much. i get there to find k in her robe. only a robe. now let me describe k to you. she's gorgeous. blonde, bought and paid for boobs, and from what i could later tell, her butt was artificially toned as well. no white girl has an ass like that. anyway - i discovered she was not a modest gal... neither am i, but i'm more modest than her. i wouldn't let HER see me in less than night gown, but i walked into her bathroom to find her in a thong and bra. HELLO! that's when i found out her ass HAD to be a purchase made a while back.

anyway, she dons a cute strapless number - cause paid for boobs are the ONLY boobs that work with these types of dresses and we are set to go. the doorbell announces the other girls. now, i'm not a vain person, but i thought i looked okay... not as good as k, mind you, but really... who DOES look that good really. so i figured when j got there - i should look cuter than her. my NATURAL assets are more shapely than j's. she too looked cute and i immediately fell into an all too familar feeling of being the designated 'personality girl'. meaning, 'she's so sweet and has a GREAT personality.' i felt like the ugly sister who was LUCKY to have been invited out with the 'A' team. why i suffer thru things like this i have no idea.

so we pile in to j's lexus sedan... there were 5 of us in all. i got close and comfy with k and her perky boobs. feeling more and more ugly by the minute. we get to the sushi place which was beyond cool. great location, great scenery and incredible atmosphere. the food was good too. i'm not a well versed sushi eater, but i know what i like - so that's what i got. it was good, but i rather like the sushi from the local kroger down the street. oddly enough.

we go to the bar cause apparently they wouldn't seat us until the rest of our party arrived... two other gals. my mind began to wander as to how gorgeous THESE two would be. i braced myself for their pending arrival. anyway... we saunter up to the bar, and naturally - the men gawked... blinded by k's beauty or boobs or a combo of both. we all ordered a drink and surprisingly enough the single gent at the bar talked to ME. asked me what i was drinking, i told him and he commented on how he now only drinks wine because the hard stuff gets him too drunk. 'the lightweight', i thought to myself. anyway, the other gals arrived and we were all introduced... i was relieved to see they looked normal. and when i say normal, i mean they weren't glammed out to the max. they were from jersey - complete with the accents to prove it. i loved them.

we ate - people watched and i was rather enjoying myself. then it was time to hit the hard spots... we loaded in the car and made our way to the first stop, which turned out to be a bar. not a club... a bar. the place was deserted. the bartender said 'everyone' was upstairs so naturally we went up there only to find that 'everyone' meant about 10 people. so we went back downstairs and found a comfy spot on a set of corner sofas. we people watched and i actually found amusement in watching the various guys hit on k. wonder what that's like anyway. one of the guys came over to the rest of us bottom feeders and introduced himself. he was heavy, tall and was wearing mirrored sunglasses at 10pm INSIDE a dimly lit bar. he looked like a big bug. he introduced himself to us and for the life of me i couldn't tell you his name if a gun was to my head. he said something and then was gone. i later found out that he told j that we were boring. perhaps if he realized how moronic he looked, he'd have known we thought he was 'special' and NOT in a good way.

we left that place after a long hour - and headed to the final destination. a club. a scary club at that. the birthday girl got in free, leaving the rest of us to pay the $10 cover.. k didn't feel she (or we, she said) should have to pay cover. she was literally apalled that the cover charger girl asked her for money. i began to get a little embarassed and almost offered to pay for ALL of us just to get inside with the rest of our group.. you see, the other 4 girls were already in there, leaving k, j and me outside. i mean, we couldn't just LEAVE with them in there. so k and j slowly paid their measly 10 bucks, as did i, and we went inside... to a place i affectionately refer to as simlply 'hell.'

it was dark, hot and girls were dancing with duct tape covering their mouths... oh and some had their hands securred with duct tape. they were dancing behing chains, bars and one, who must have been the employee of the month, had no barriers around her 'stage'. anyway, we made our way back to the 'open table in the back' i was told... little did the jersey girls know that those tables were clearly 'open' because they were RESERVED. and not for us. anyway, we stayed there, ordered some drinks and blended in with the other private party goers. we were never asked to leave, probably cause 2 of the gals had opened up bar tabs and it was apparent they knew how to use them. we made friends with the ligit VIPers next to us. and were able to see these S&M girls get made up for their stage acts. (the 'dressing room' was next to us.)

i met a girl named 'paige' who said she was celebrating her birthday. i asked how old she was cause she was screaming for attention and she announced 'oh i'm old.' i was intrigued by this since she didn't look a day over 21. i prepared for her squeaky reply 'i'm 23.' i wanted to slap her really. i said, 'well paige, you're alot younger than me.' and she said, 'well you look ALOT younger than me.' and i wanted to say, 'that's because i'm not kicking it it bars every weekend.' but instead i just said, 'you're very sweet. have a good time tonight.' and with that, she slammed another shot of what i assume was tequila.

at 145am, the gals were ready to hit the road. i was MUCH overdue for bed. it was after all WELL past my usual bedtime of 930pm.

i got home around 230am and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a side of water =) and then tucked myself into bed. waking up the next morning (or later that morning rather) at 830am. 6 hours of sleep - not too shabby..maybe i AM cut out for the party scene.

NAHHHHH...

to medicate...or not to medicate

2006-05-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

... THAT is the question.

i've often wondered what kind of person i'd be under the influence of say, zoloft or xanax... i've taken xanax for my fear of flying and it's a nice relaxer, but i'm talking about everyday use here.

things that shouldn't bother me... do and i'm afraid it's going to have some damaging affects on me and matilda. i've noticed that i tend to be more and more bothered by the teeniest things... from her putting her dirty shoes on the freshly cleaned carseat or running water all over the floor in the bathroom. these are things that preschoolers do so why does it bother me. i've always wanted things to be in order, and when i see something that's not - i can't rest until it's fixed. this can be as simple as a row of votive holders on my window and one isn't set in an equal distance from the others to something more drastic like a spot on the light beige carpet that i can't seem to get out. this is life though - life brings things along that have to be dealt with and i shouldn't let it get to me.

i've been told, mainly by my dad, that i seem stressed all the time. i don't feel stressed, but i do recognize when i start to become bothered by these little things. i try to blow it off but i can't seem to get past the fact that matilda has, for the 20th time, opened up the patio door to go in and out MULTIPLE times... i tell myself - 'she's a kid, she's playing' - but by the 21st door slam... i'm close to losing it.

i plan to speak to my doc about my sudden onset of loss of patience. i've always had it, just never quite like this. i don't want my child to look at me with fear because she's spilled cherry koolaid on the light colored carpet. (this hasn't happened yet, but i'm prepared with new oxy clean carpet spot remover in case it ever does)

i want to be the best mom i can be for her and i want her to have fun with me and know that we have a good time together. we do, but i also know i need to work on my patience because it will only be tested more and more as she gets older. if i lose control when she's four...i'll be braindead when she turns 16.

pitfalls of being high maintenance

2006-05-05T06:35:00.000-07:00

so as i live my new and improved life of being even MORE girly than before - i've discovered some obstacles which i must learn either avoid altogether or figure out how to NOT do it again...

now, i love my pretty solar nails, i take good care of them, but i've found, rather recently i might add, that taking out my contacts isn't as easy as it once was. i didn't realize one could pinch their own eyeball, but low and behold.. one CAN and one DID. it was quite possibly the most pain i have experienced since stepping on the nail at my parent's house... i actually expected to have a little red mark on the white part of my eye.. but i didn't. my entire EYE was red. the whole thing. it was very painful but in a few minutes the pain subsided. then i took out the other one. with no problems. need to figure out a way to remove these things better.

hair color is another area that i'm now addicted to. i have gray hairs. not hidden too well either. there's a small little 'pack' of gray hairs on the front of my head. if i wear my hair a certain - they SCREAM at you to look at them. this is simply not acceptable. i shall have my hair colored this weekend. hopefully with something fun for summer.

book smarts

2006-05-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

did i mention that i recently finished reading 'the devil wears prada'? it's been so long since i've blogged that i can't remember what i've told you and what i haven't... well - i finished it. it's funny because i'm no where NEAR an assistant in the entertainment industry (as in the book) but i could TOTALLY relate to the story.

see i used to support someone very similar the 'the devil' in that book. oh yes... as i read how the assistant would fetch coffee, deliver items already given to the person simply because she didn't want to search for it in her folder... yeah - been there done that. damn laura weisenberger for being smart enough to write a story about it - and beat me to the glory.

come to think of it - if I wrote it - it'd be autobiographical. hmmmm yes - i like it. not that i'll do anything with it, but i did enjoy reading a fictious story that closely resembled my life a few years ago.

i'm now reading 'the secon assistant'... yeah - there's a pattern here folks. but they're all stuff i can relate to. my favorite part from a recently finished book was a part where an assistant saw a type-written 'while you were out' slip and commented on how awful the boss was to make HIS assistant type out his messages... however when she read it closely it said: 'While You Were Out... i thought of ways to kill you.' THAT is comedy folks.

wonder how quickly someone would be fired for actually doing that in real life. i'm guessing HR would be in front of you, along with some nice security officers packing heat, in 2 minutes flat. i don't care to find out how accurate i am.

road warrior

2006-04-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

so just when you think life can't throw anymore curve balls at you... it does. and it's up to you, or me in this case, to figure out how i want to deal with it. so here it goes...

i'm a fairly safe driver. i don't put makeup on while driving, i rarely talk on my cell phone behind the wheel, don't fiddle with beepers, radio channel changes or anything. i focus on the road ahead of me. now i will admit that i was PARTIALLY at fault for my wreck several months back, and believe you me, i paid dearly for the error of my driving ways. i had nothing to do with the wreck i was in with my parents, in their car, i just happened to bring bad karma TO the car since i was sitting in it.

which brings me to now. well saturday to be exact. mom, dad, matilda and me were driving back from downtown on our way to eat lunch. i was driving my beautiful new mazda (which i simply refer to as 'the best car i've ever owned') and all of a sudden, someone, a woman no less, decided her lane wasn't exactly working for her and she wanted in mine. only catch is - i was still IN mine. she 'clipped me' as dad shouted after impact and we pulled over to assess the damage and to get information. you know, to be honest, i didn't want to give her my insurance information.. it was clearly her fault - she admitted to that on the scene - why should i give her my insurance info. i did though. must play nice right?

after alot, and i mean ALOT, of shaking i scribbled down her information and slowly made my way back to my parent's so i could begin calling in my new auto claim. and 3 days later - i'm still trying to talk to the adjustor assigned to my case.

so i ask you... IS karma real? and if so, can you please tell her to lighten up a little? or maybe it's a sign that i should get a bus pass. whatever the case may be - i've chosen to view this as lightly as i can. i cringe when i see my rear bumper hanging down. and to be honest, it's not THAT bad - but it's a new car so anything would bother me really.

anywho.. what's done is done. can't go back and fix it, can't do anything but accept what happened and move on. 'that which does not kill us makes us stronger' they say. and i do believe that to be true. i also believe that 'everything happens for a reason' but i can't think of what reason that woman had to ram me.

all in all, life is still good. if anything i'm learning how truly capable i am, and that will help me become a stronger person. so if you run into me on the street... and i don't mean with your car... watch out. i'm one tough cookie! =)

it's official...

2006-04-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

... i'm in love... no not with mani/pedi guy... with the new natasha bedingfield song 'unwritten'.

i was an avid ally mcbeal watcher back in the day, even had the mini skit suits ally wore. i loved how she had a theme song and whenever she needed a pick-me-up she'd imagine her 'pips' were behind her singing her inner theme song. well, 'unwritten' is mine. i have no 'pips'. because nsync is no longer together so what's the point with having back ups. =) anywho... check out the song - and the lyrics. it's perfect for new beginnings i think.

i should get some 'pips' though. jc probably doesn't have much going on these days. ;)

mani/pedi

2006-04-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

okay so you know by now i'm becoming high maintenance. NOT something i'm proud of, but when you carry a coach purse around i guess eventually manicured nails and pretty toes follow. who knew!

so last night i went to get my mani/pedi... little did i know i'd be entertained by the brother of the salon. okay so he was not that entertaining, but i have to give him snaps cause he sure had lots to say.

i learned more about this guy in the hour i was sitting in the chair than i know about my boss of 2 years. he just moved to this area from LA and was going to join his brother's business... doing nails. weird i thought - considering he said he was a computer programmer. but hey - who am i to judge.

so i'm basically held captive by this guy, i mean, i'm in this huge chair, my feet soaking in water - i'm literally at his mercy. and my cell phone never rang once to save me. i might have even talked to a bill collector to escape his constant banter.

i think at one point he tried to pick me up too. i'm not saavy in how guys do this yet, but i think he tried. he failed, but i think he tried. he made little comments here and there about my smile being 'gorgeous' and how he was 'surprised by my modesty'... huh? okay, fine, whatever. it was weird.

and the craziest thing of all... have no clue what his name is. not a clue. i never asked of course - nor did he tell me. i'm a little nervous cause i paid with a credit card and if he truly is a computer geek... he could track me down. and the security gates at my apartment aren't working. of course - maybe if i were to hook up with him, i'd get free mani/pedi's. might have to consider that one.

good friday

2006-04-14T07:22:00.000-07:00

since it's good friday, i thought i'd reflect on this week and let you in on how my life has been going... interesting that's for sure.

the finalization of my newfound freedom continues to be a burden.. both financially and mentally. HIM (that's how i've decided to refer to my ex-husband - i'm sure there's an appropriate acronym i could form but that'll have to wait) has decided to nail me down to things we agreed to outside the courthouse... he's made certain that if i falter on his alimony payments - i have to pay a lump sum at one time... this pisses me off mainly because i thought we had made some headway into forming conversations - granted they were all thru email, but at least we were civil to each other.. then he goes and redeems himself the ass i always thought he was. moving on... =)

still haven't heard from my fix-everything-for-her-own-self friend at work. and you know what.. i'm finally sleeping thru the night. ever since i haven't talked to her - i have better sleep each night. it's amazing how a little clarity can make miracles happen.

i've decided to update my 2006 resolutions. the one where i do something for myself once a week.. yeah, well - make that every two weeks - cause i'm a mani/pedi girl now. you see i used to make fun of girls who'd religiously get their nails done and what not, but now - i have become one. and you know what... so what! it makes me feel good and it frankly completes my appearance. plus - it's summer and i have to have pretty toes!

i was told by a work friend that i am not the same person i was a year ago. and she meant it in a positive way. said i had lost alot of weight - which i have - i look different and i act different. those are both true statements. i've found out who i am i think. i love life now more than i ever have before. it's weird how all of a sudden you see things differently. it's also refreshing to discover yourself in the process.

i've also made an executive decision, a rather hard one sorta - but necessary i think. i have many items still at HIM's house. items that are mine - awarded to me by the judge hee hee - and i haven't made arrangements to pick them up yet. for quite a while actually. honestly, i don't want to even deal with him at all, but i know i have to get this stuff out. so my gal pal lyn told me i needed to get rid of everything i was 'awarded'. the clothes were a given - don't fit. but the decorative things - that was a little harder to agree to. but she's right. i need to get rid of them. those things were the old me, and she's 100% right. my dad agreed also. so, i've decided to get rid of them. may even make a few bucks off it. i've got nice stuff you know! =)

la otra mujer

2006-04-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

si, mi espanol muy bien. no? yeah, i know - i'm on crack. anyway... i picked up matilda from daycare a day ago and she RUNS up to me - with a huge smile... one a child might have as they open the bestest christmas present ever... and says proudly... 'mommy! guess what! daddy said he's gonna get me a baby brother.. a REAL one!'

now people, i can't BEGIN to tell you what i felt at that moment. joy? confusion? anger? it was a frappacino of emotions... i looked at the only other adult near me, lex - daycare keeper, and said, 'what..' that's all i could say. she just blew it off like it was something normal kids say all the time. like 'i want a toy' or 'i need to go potty'. maybe it is something kids say everyday - but not MY KID.

anyway... i have no idea what that means - maybe nothing, maybe everything. i'm sure when i pick her up tomorrow i'll get an update.

hasta manana!

in the wee small hours of the morning...

2006-04-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

i'm jealous of matilda. yes indeed. so jealous, i can't sleep at night. and i have no good reason folks. none. i'm jealous because as i lie awake at 2am, 3am, 4am - i look at her peaceful face and wish badly i was in such a pleasant slumber. so... since i'm destined to wake up at the crack of dawn... earlier than that even, i thought i'd let you peek inside my twisted mind so you too can know what it's like to be in my head... here's a short list of what i thought as i lie in bed one morning at 2am...

1) why do i drink so much water?
2) my clock says 2:12am, but what time is it REALLY?
3) i want a shrimp poboy. (for the record i had a really good one about a week ago and would kill for another one.)
4) what was that noise? (this spiraled into many thoughts about what that noise could have been. total time wasted on this thought = 10 min)
5) which shoes should i wear tomorrow?
6) need to stop drinking water after 9pm.
7) why would that woman put on mascara while driving?
8) okay what was THAT noise?
9) okay so it's 3:45am, if i fall asleep now i'll get about 45 min of sleep. (not even possible)
10) i need to figure out why my toilet isn't flushing well.
11) don't forget to throw out that milk.
12) add milk to the shopping list.

the list is too long to continue. why is it that we can't shut our brains off to sleep. i mean, we're tired... it's dark outside... we're lying in bed for goodness sake... sleep is guaranteed right? i mean, we are OWED that, right? well, apparently not for me... and i know i'm not alone. i mean, every night i see ads for ambien and lunesta - which i'm not against trying - so there must be a ton of non sleepers out there. maybe there's a support group. must look into that. =)

chips y salsa por favor

2006-04-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

as i embarked fresh into 2006, i set up several 'acheiveable' resolutions. ones that would improve me as a person... so i thought anyway. here's what i resolved to do in 2006:

1) read one book per month
2) do something for myself once a week
3) eliminate negative relationships in my life
4) keep a daily journal

here's how i'm doing so far....

1) i have read a total of 6, yes SIX, books this year. that equates to 2 books per month. and NO i'm not reading great works of english literature, but i'm also not reading smutty books - of course i'm not exactly counting out the smut just yet. i'm reading fiction novels - mostly about hollywood or the entertainment industry. my favorite so far has been 'the assistants' by robin lynn williams. the best $3.98 i've ever spent. i'm reading 'the devil wears prada' now. so far so good.
2) this one was harder than i thought. i wanted to do something fun and i thought about enrolling in a salsa class. i've always loved the music and thought i might meet new people, but then i also thought i'd be the poor sad lonely girl with no partner.. so i 86ed that one. then i thought i'd keep along those lines and take a spanish language class. a friend at work attends one, in the conf room next to my cube no less, and i thought i'd join. i bought my book, went to 3 classes and got bored with it. i still read my book and learn words that i'm not familiar with, but as far as being a regular student... negative ghostrider... i've decided to find myself a cute spanish guy. i figure, he can not only teach me the language, but he could also teach me the salsa dancing i'm wanting to learn. i'll keep you posted on how that works out for me. :3) this is another one that's easier said than done. i eliminated one relationship, i shouldn't say 'eliminated' cause we have a child that will forever link us to one another, but we no longer have to live with each other - and that's the most important thing i think. as far as the other negative relationship (see april's fool), well i don't quite know what to do. we haven't said anything to one another, via phone, face to face or email since i cancelled. i sent the last bit of communication, so in my book - the ball's in her court. keep you posted on this one as well.
4) the daily journal i kept up for about a month and a half and realized as i re-read it.. i'm one boring ass person. so i stopped writing. no one would ever want to read that. i write much better blog material than journal material. so i've decided to sub the blog for my journal. now if i could only manage to write a blog entry everyday... i'll work on it. with every new day, there's fresh hope.

april's fool

2006-04-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

you know how the side mirrors on cars have that disclaimer that says: 'objects in mirror might appear closer than they actually are' or something like that anyway... well i've decided i, too, should have a disclaimer: 'does not see people for who they actually are'. maybe on a pin or a t-shirt or something. here's why...

i've got a friend at work, who i've known for the entire time i've worked there... she was my boss although we never had that boss/employee relationship, it was more friendship than anything. well, we talked about my single-dom and she felt it her duty, since i had made such a poor choice the first time around, that she should help me find mr. right now. thru a friend of her friend. meaning - she has never met this guy. not once. knows nothing about him except what her friend tells her. which could be lies. who knows! SHE doesn't. but apparently, he's good enough for me. mr. who-knows. mm hmm..

like a FOOL i agree to go meet him at her house.. a weekend dinner party. her, her husband, her friends (also husband and wife) me and mr. who-knows. keep in mind i'm a fool okay? i agreed. here's WHY i agreed. for my friend. not for me, nope... i said i'd meet mr. who-knows to please HER. yeap. i have landed myself in the exact same place i vowed NEVER to go again. doing things to please others without pleasing myself.

when i realized what i had done, i decided i should tell my friend how i felt and how good it feels to finally recognize where i'd gone wrong for so many years. i just knew she'd be understanding and proud of me for finally (after 15 years) doing something for me.

WRONG! oh yeah, she said i was full of BS (literally she said that) and that i was lying to myself and that she'd been where i was and that she made mistakes and is still suffering for them - blah blah blah. now i ask you, how in the HELL can my self discovery open up a door for HER to tell ME about HER mistakes. i went from feeling free to feeling like mud on the bottom of someone's shoe. HER shoe to be exact.

now this entire conversation was via e-mail so i replied back that i was speaking honestly and was hurt that she thought otherwise - blah blah blah... and she said something back again about her mistakes and how one day i'd wake up... i didn't reply again. it was pointless.

i've known for a long time that i needed to let go of this friendship because friends should NEVER make you feel bad for anything. right? i mean, i'm right about THAT at least right? well not this friendship. most everything said can be taken on a twist about how SHE dealt with it, how SHE did this or that.. conversations seldom were about anything other than her and her life. you see how she twisted my experiences into her own right? well trust me, SHE DID!

anyway, i've decided to continue on in my journey of self discovery and limit my interaction with her. it's just simply not healthy. i feel bad about myself whenever i'm around her. i lose sleep over things she's said to me. for the first time in ages, i chose to NOT do something because SOMEONE else wanted me to do it and i get hit with a slam from her. no more.

i can only learn from my own mistakes - no one else's. and that's what i'm going to do. mr. who-knows could've been a great guy. probably is in fact. but the bottom line is that i'm simply not ready to meet him. nor anyone. i don't want OR need to be set up with random guys. i'm not THAT desperate and lonely. perhaps after a year maybe... ;-)

i'm 33 1/2, recently divorced from a husband... now i've gotta figure out how to divorce a friend. i wonder if hallmark has a card for that?

random thoughts while driving

2006-04-02T07:14:00.000-07:00

now i'm not sure how many of you do this, but i'm hoping i'm not the only one...

yesterday my parents and i were driving around town and, while at a stop light, we noticed the car beside us. it had two different hubcabs, one dull and plain, the other fancy and very 'bling'. beside the blinged out one was a nice sized dent in the rear bumper area.

now we don't know this person... nor will we be likely to EVER know this person, just happened to be at the same stop light... but in the few minutes that passed, we had assumed why she had different hubcaps and how she must have gotten that dent. we had construed an entire story about the condition of her car. why? who knows...

we watched her drive off and the only thing that would've been a good ending is if that blinged out hubcap flew off... it didn't.

one thing i noticed while driving to work friday was that women, not all mind you, CAN be bad drivers. i mean, i saw a woman... on the freeway... putting on mascara. MASCARA! i can see putting on lipstick, because honestly, i do that but MASCARA! the last thing anyone should do is put a pokey object anywhere NEAR their eye while. driving. a. car. ON THE FREEWAY!

how much trouble is it to put your make up on AT HOME? wake up a few minutes earlier and do it there... in the safety of your own bathroom and NOT while driving on a 70mph freeway. PLEASE!

another thing... and this truly happened to me once before... why do men think they can pick up women ANYWHERE? i was driving home one afteroon, on the same freeway as mascara girl no less, and this guy passed me up... that's fine speed your way home. then he slowed down so i could pass HIM up. these games don't amuse me, they actually freak me out. anyway, i'm driving, i pass him then he drives up beside me. evenly driving beside me and smiles. now, we're driving like 75mph here, people. i glance quickly to see if he's holding up a gun or something, he's not; however he IS motioning for me to hold up my left hand ring finger... yes indeed - picking me up at 75mph. i guess that deserves a little credit considering the location... however, how desperate can he be that his only pick up opportunity is on the freeway? i hold up my left hand, to merely humor him, my ring visable (still married at that time) and he gave me the 'aw shucks' sign and sped away.

now that i'm single - he'll never show up again. good thing too cause when he saw my ring free finger, he might rear end my car to get me to pull over and then beat me and take my belongings leaving me for dead. or he could be prince charming... it's a gamble either way.

flight to freedom

2006-04-02T06:48:00.000-07:00

my life changed, along with my marital status, this past tuesday. now, considering this whole thing began, technically last july, i was somewhat ready for this day to come. our divorce process took almost as long as brad and jen's and we had no where NEAR the assets they did... financial OR physical. but nonetheless, our day came.

now my anxiety level was in overload... and when i think of other times i felt this way i remember my fear of flying. for those of you who either have this fear or have witnessed my own, you know what i'm talking about.

i popped a xanax 45 min before d-time; much like i do when it's flight time. it has ample time to fully take effect so that i am functional, but yet carefree. a perfect union.

now i found that going to the courthouse is alot like going to the airport... parking is a nightmare, you walk thru a metal detector, scan your carry-on items and make your way to the terminal, er ah courtroom. the baliff can serve as the ticket taker, showing you to your seat; although in the courtroom setting the baliff can ask you to leave if you talk too much - thankfully for me they can't do that on a plane. the judge, of course, is the pilot. sitting in his special seat with his computer to ensure he doesn't get off track. i guess the court reporter can be the flight attendant although she never offered me a drink nor a bag of peanuts.

my flight companion, i.e. attorney, stayed in the cockpit most of the time, getting prepared for our big departure. which, in all actuality took a whole 5 minutes to get thru. i was amazed at the number of women who were there for the same reason i was... to file for divorce. WOMEN! i wasn't the only one. there were many of us. it surprised me for some reason to see that.

the first woman went in front of the 'pilot' and answered her questions as asked by her flight companion and i noticed she was crying the entire time. see, that's the whole reason for xanax. for me at least. and it worked for me. i wished i could've offered her my extra pill. oh well. maybe it was a final release for her.

my time came and i stood before the pilot, my atty on my left, my soon-to-be-ex-spouse on my right and his atty to his right. oddly, it was almost like our wedding day except instead of attendants, we had lawyers and instead of a priest we had a judge. odd how things work out that way... anywho... i answered my questions, perfectly if i might say so myself and it was his turn. now this is the moment i dreaded. he is a drama king and i almost expected one of those scenes you see on court-tv where the defendant goes berserk and the baliff takes them down like a pro wrestler... well nothing like that happened. sadly. but he did say something that will stick with me for a long time. when the pilot asked me if i was there to seek divorce i simply said 'yes.' he on the other hand, said 'yes PLEASE grant this divorce.' PLEASE? PLEASE!? like it's been torture for him to go thru this process... well he did counterfile on me for cruel treatment. maybe it was. anyway... it was over in about 5 minutes flat.

i went back to my seat and talked with my dad who showed up to support me and that's when the ticket taker asked us to be quiet. we did and then giggled quietly. i had no idea i would feel so alive after such a cruicial change took place. but i did.

to be honest, it still hasn't sunk in yet. i lie in bed sometimes reminding myself that i am officially a single woman. it's gonna take me a long time to realize that i don't have to worry what he'll say about things i do anymore. i no longer have to ask to buy something, i no longer have to justify my whereabouts at any hour of the day, i can go to lunch with friends and not worry about him grilling me over it for an hour when i get home. i no longer have to go thru the horrible justification of each and every atm i had in my wallet. no matter how much or how little it might be. i called the shots now. if i'm broke cause i bought an expensive purse - it's my fault and i have to figure it out.

it's going to take a while for me to get past the past. i worried so much about what he would think if i did this or that (and this was even WHEN we were still married). i had to get my story straight before i talked with him about anything... why i bought that or why i didn't call when i was suppose to. i remember all the times he made me feel bad for feeling good about things and knowing i won't have to go thru that again brings me some comfort; however the emotional scars will take longer to heal, and i'm prepared for that. i need that. and i will heal. all in good time.

alone in the wild

2006-03-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

so as i embarked on my newfound freedom, i realized that i must endure (and overcome) longtime fears i had kept deep inside me. what fears you ask? fear of bugs.

now i am a self proclaimed 'girly-girl' which simply put means i like make-up, purses (expensive ones, okay - coach ones if you MUST know), nail polish and many other girly things. the thing i loathe most, however is... BUGS!

being on my own, i had to overcome this fear that consumed me. so on one of my early nights solo in my new apartment, i came face to face with the dreaded beast.

i had matilda in tow and we had just finished grocery shopping for the week. i've gotten pretty good at balancing multiple bags, my expensive purse AND my child all in one trip... until i saw him.

there before me sat a man with a body longer than anything i had ever seen.. legs equally as long, he had eight of them you know. he sat right outside my door almost taunting me to approach him. now i've always envisioned myself living in a building with a doorman, but i'd rather hoped for someone more like the guy from 'the jefferson's'.

i froze. dead in my tracks for i had never encountered such a fierce creature.. not on my own anyway. i pondered what to do. i had on open toed shoes so stepping on him wasn't an option. i decided to name him. naming him made him more like a pet. a pet you don't much like, but you have anyway... i called him herman. seemed like a strong, manly name and since he rivaled the size of 'herman munster' i figured it'd work.

herman didn't move from his post. i had no idea what to do but protect myself and my offspring. then the voices came to me. no not angels from heaven, two teen-aged girls from the apartment above me. they came gigging down the stairs and i knew they were my only hope.

i sucked up my pride, asked for help and one of them had the nerve to say, 'what spider?' as i directed her to herman, she screamed louder than even i did... i knew they were useless... then another voice beckoned from above. their mother. surely she would identify with my situation... being a mother myself, who needs to protect her child, surely she would come to my rescue.

she, the brave woman, was armed with a heavy bag of trash. which was our only means of attack. she walked over to herman, we all held our breath as she pummeled the bag onto his massive body. i watched in amazement as she twirled the bag around in cirlces almost guaranteeing death. she gave it one last good twist and slowly lifted the bag. our eyes grew wide at what lied beneath...

now after all that drama, i had expected to find a detached leg, a severed head, anything, but instead, he was intact, just curled up slightly more. he had met his maker. and i, sadly felt better and safer knowing he could no longer bother me.

i thanked my accomplices, who i'm certain think i'm crazy. we scooted past was was left of herman and i ushered matilda into our apartment, safe and sound.

as we fell asleep that evening, i could have sworn i heard taps being played by all the other wolf spiders in the neighborhood.

changing of the roll

2006-03-24T12:52:00.000-08:00

while pondering what to blog... it came to me. i shared this story with my friend lyn... she laughed obsessively and i think anyone who reads this will too.

the other night my daughter, matilda, decided she would be a big girl and change the roll of toilet paper. i was proud that she was eager to try and also because frankly, i hate doing it. so in she goes... she comes out with the grand announcement.. 'mommy! come see what i did.' now up until walking in there, i truly did not know she had changed the roll. you see she decided to take it upon herself to do this. i, myself, wasn't even aware the roll was empty. (yes, the plot thickens)

i walk in and she's in her 'ta-da!' mode and i'm looking around helplessly trying to figure out what it is that she's so proud of... poor thing has to point to the new fat roll of bum paper. i smile and give her double high-fives on her achievement. she giggles proudly and we return to dinner.

the next day we get home, i change my clothes, start dinner and she begins to play... then goes to potty. not a normal potty, and no, not the diarrhea, normal number 2 quality. i hear the flush... the fatal flush as it will now be known. she comes out, 'mommy, the potty won't flush.' knowing i have no plunger, no husband and a possibly clogged commode - i walk slowly uncertain of what awaits me.

i assume she didn't push the handle down far enough... so i, in my infinent wisdom, flush it again.. full throttle - indeed, it doesn't flush. then, as if my life was flashing in my head all at once, i remember the sounds that pre-empted the whole roll changing event the evening prior. i remembered hearing the roll rattle as it was quickly depleted. and i turn to my beautiful daughter and calmly say, 'baby, how much toilet paper did you use?' her answer was the famous 'i don't know', and for some reason i asked again, with a little more aggression... same answer.

so then, i realized what i had to do... i had her sit in the living room while i mentally prepared myself for the task at hand. she went, tail between her legs and i sat on the floor in front of the porcelain god. pondering what to do next.

apartment office: closed. husband/signifant other present: nope. plunger: we know that answer. what was left? my hands - yes, but i couldn't bring myself to use them. there was number 2 in the potty after all.

then the light bulb went off in my head.. flickering ever so softly - a spoon! use a spoon! so i did. here i am, sitting on the cold tile floor, in front of the potty fishing out numerous wads of what was once angel soft toilet paper. i was extra careful to NOT fish out number 2 items. and once i unclogged the softball size wad of paper... EUREKA! it flushed.

fear not folks, i tossed the spoon that same evening.

initiation

2006-03-24T05:26:00.000-08:00

they say women peak in their 30's. who 'they' are, i have no idea, but 'they' say it so it must be true. i'm 33 1/2 and i, myself, am just starting to realize who it is that i truly am.

i've lost about 300 pounds over the last year... 30lbs due to my own personal weight loss goal, while the remaining amount came from me breaking free from a not-so-happy relationship, okay marriage. am i getting too personal here? well, it's my blog so deal with it. :)

can a woman, a single mother (i don't know about you, but anytime i hear the phrase 'single mother' i immediately remember the 'shoplift the pooty' scene from jerry maguire) of a toddler recreate her life the way she always hoped it would be? i have no idea, but i'll die trying, THAT i can tell you.

welcome to the prime of my life...